I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay...I'm going to survive.

Want to know the reason I haven't been on lately?

It's because I finally lost control. My delicate grasp on life was finally broken and I'm frantically trying to grab on once more. I'm scaring my friends, and frankly, I'm scaring myself. I'm so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could just lock myself away, to deal with my problems without getting the ones I love involved. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to make you worry, or cause you any sort of distress. I just can't pretend anymore.

For years, I have been able to hide. Yeah, everyone knows I've never really been alright, but nobody had to know just how bad things were. I could hide from everyone. I'm a very good actress. I've created this character. This smiling, outgoing, bubbly character. I don't know me. I know that thing. That monster. Maybe that is who I am. I don't know. Honestly. Am I the person you see at school, hanging with friends? The one who tries to be the center of attention? Make everyone see she's smiling and laughing. Make everyone see that she's alright.

Or am I the person at home. Listening to music. Writing blogs. Scaring her friends.

Whoever I am, I hate me.

I especially hate that I lost control. I feel so weak. I'm now on Zoloft and I have to go to counseling regularly. It makes me sick that I've become this..thing.


I can't really focus right now.
More things are falling apart as I'm writing this.
There will be more later.

apology/explanation

Alright..so.
People may not understand the decisions I've been making lately. Frankly, I don't really understand it completely myself. But...here's the best explanation I can give.

The things I've been doing help me forget. They help me live, really live, if only for a little while. Yesterday, I didn't cry once. And I know that was because of the things I had done. I felt....better. I went to sleep without shedding a tear.

Guh, I don't really feel like explaining all this again, I just talked to one of my best friends about it, so I'm just going to paste parts of that conversation here. Identities will be kept confidential.

Friend: ok. so. please explain to me why you are making poor decisions.

kenzienicole93 (10:03:45 PM): I don't know...I just get bored.

Friend: really though. i don't mean to be mean to you, i'm not mad at you, i'm mad regarding your choices. weed is one thing, but cigarettes. don't fuck with them, really, trust me

kenzienicole93 (10:05:41 PM): I knowww they're bad. but...they're just another thing to help me keep my mind off...stuff. I didn't cry once yesterday [friend]. you don't understand how good it felt to get through a day without bawling my eyes out. I fell asleep with dry eyes, I didn't have to cry myself to sleep like usual. it was amazing

kenzienicole93 (10:05:45 PM): I haven't cried today either

Friend: but kenz. there are better ways to do that. they're really really bad. like i don't think you understand kenz. trust me, they do things that you don't want to get wrapped up in. please, trust me

kenzienicole93 (10:07:22 PM): I knowww they're really bad. I tried so hard to get _____ to stop. lung cancer is HUGE in my family, so many of my family members have died from it. but..I don't know. I don't have to think about things when I've got a nicotine buzz going

Friend: understand that i'm not trying to be a jerk, but i don't quite know how to say it another way ... i really don't know what to do. i love you to death, you know that. and it terrifies me when you make bad choices or say certain things ... but right now, i'm disgusted. i really don't mean to sound like an ass, and i know i do. but i don't know what else to say. i don't want to lie to you, you've been lied to too many times. but telling you that it's ok and that it's no big deal would be a lie becuase it is a big deal. i spent every single weekend with my grandfather when i was little, and he had a heart attack and died because of the cigarettes that he smoked. i mean, kenz. it kills people. like really, kills them. they're gone. you don't get to spend any more time with them .. ever. you know how that goes, i know you do. and i'm not trying to scare you or to preach at you, becuase i know you know all these things. i'm just trying to explain my issue with it to you. i don't mean to sound self centered, but i can't watch you start this. i've watched one too many friends die in the past few months. and i know that it's not going to kill you anytime soon, but it's the choices and the way they reflect on the rest of your life. i know i sound like a jerk, and im soooo sorry, like more than you know. but i can't lie to you and tell you that it's ok, because it's not

kenzienicole93 (10:14:17 PM): you don't sound like a jerk. I was expecting people to hate it. I just....everything's so shitty right now [friend]. if I don't do something to take my mind off things, I really think...something bad will happen. so either I smoke myself to death over a long period of time or, you know...I'm gone quickly

Friend: kenz. really though, why do you think that way? trust me, things suck, all the time ... but if you think like that they just suck more. you can't say things like that because it just makes it worse

kenzienicole93 (10:17:18 PM): I can't help but think this way. I'm still messed up about _____. my "family" life is shit. school is killing me. and I basically hate myself anyway. I've been broken down so many times that I don't know if I can take it anymore

Friends: i wish i knew what to say to you, but i don't, and i feel terrible. i'm ceratinly not helping you, and the only thing i want to do is help, but i don't know what to do

kenzienicole93 (10:18:45 PM): you are helping by listening. that's all I need from you, and you do that perfectly so thank you. don't feel terrible, please. I'm going to be okay eventually

Friend: i want to believe you, but i don't know how. i know that you can be ok, but i'm not so sure that you will anymore. kenz, cigarettes and booze and things are not just things that can take heavy use and then just be forgotten about. sure, i booze every once in a while, but not a lot and not frequently. if you start to make these choices, and if you start to make them fast, you're going to regret it forever

kenzienicole93 (10:21:34 PM): I know there's danger. but I can't think of any other way to...forget. that's all I want to do, just for even a few minutes, I want to forget everything. I want to know no one, I want to remember nothing, I want to feel nothing

kenzienicole93 (10:21:45 PM): it's either do this stupid shit or do something to get myself in a coma

Friend: why though? why do you need to do this? forgive me, but i don't understand what gives _____ this power over you. you're doing this to yourself. you're letting him take you over like this.

kenzienicole93 (10:24:11 PM): it's not just _____. I don't know how to explain it....all I can say is I've been broken down so many times, and I've bounced back, after a long time, but you never fully heal. every time, a piece of you is taken away. the feelings I had/have for _____ were/are so strong that this was really like...the final straw. this year has just been horrible. I know it seems like I'm just letting him have this power over me, but trust me, I've tried to shake it off. but I can't. it's going to take much longer than usual to heal and I'll be much weaker than before. that's just how it is

Friend: i understand what you're saying
*CUE TWILIGHT REFERENCE*...sorry....

kenzienicole93 (10:28:02 PM): it's the most horrible kind of pain. you read Twilight. Breaking Dawn, when Edward leaves. I cried so much because I finally had a way to describe the feeling. it's a black hole, ripping you apart from the inside. I'm not even exaggerating [friend], I really do feel like there's a whole in my chest. like right under my sternum. it's real, it's there. and it's worse than ever because, I know it's stupid, but.._____ was so perfect. I would have gladly ended my search forever if he had wanted me enough to stay with me. but he didn't. he left me in the dark. and I honestly can't see anything now

Friend: i mean, i understand where you're coming from, i just can't justify your choices. i don't know if that makes sense

kenzienicole93 (10:29:07 PM): I know, there's no justification

So yeah....that was about it. I know, I sound really whiny and "emo", and like I'm doing this for attention, but understand this: This is NOT the type of attention I want. I can't help but be hurt. And I know I'm hurting my friends and disappointing them with the decisions I make, but, I'm sorry but I don't really care. I need to be selfish for a little while. I've given so much of myself to others, I just need these few things. I don't expect people to understand, I'd just like it if they just...hold on. Please don't give up on me. I love you all.