Want to know the reason I haven't been on lately?
It's because I finally lost control. My delicate grasp on life was finally broken and I'm frantically trying to grab on once more. I'm scaring my friends, and frankly, I'm scaring myself. I'm so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could just lock myself away, to deal with my problems without getting the ones I love involved. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to make you worry, or cause you any sort of distress. I just can't pretend anymore.
For years, I have been able to hide. Yeah, everyone knows I've never really been alright, but nobody had to know just how bad things were. I could hide from everyone. I'm a very good actress. I've created this character. This smiling, outgoing, bubbly character. I don't know me. I know that thing. That monster. Maybe that is who I am. I don't know. Honestly. Am I the person you see at school, hanging with friends? The one who tries to be the center of attention? Make everyone see she's smiling and laughing. Make everyone see that she's alright.
Or am I the person at home. Listening to music. Writing blogs. Scaring her friends.
Whoever I am, I hate me.
I especially hate that I lost control. I feel so weak. I'm now on Zoloft and I have to go to counseling regularly. It makes me sick that I've become this..thing.
I can't really focus right now.
More things are falling apart as I'm writing this.
There will be more later.
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