my drunken journal entry.

Wow...it's been sooo long since I last blogged. But yeah, I promise I'll get back into it since I have my laptop back and it's summer so I'm not that busy..at the moment.

Soooooo last night.
Drank a bit.
vented quite a bit.
wrote in muh journal
it's barely legible because I was pretty gone like... yeah
but here it is:

I'm kind of drunk. Quite tipsy. I have Ryan's school picture card thing next to me. I miss him so much. He was my everything. He is the reason I'm like this. He is the reason I'm in therapy and he's why I drink and smoke and get high. He made me feel so good, and now that he's gone I feel shitty. Even though it's been months since we broke up, he is still everything I think about and I can't sleep without him haunting my dreams. I just want to feel that warmth again. I just want to fee[l] his kiss again. I miss his friendship I miss talking on the phone with him. I miss him. So much. I miss my friend. I miss my companion. I don't know why I wasn't good enough for him. Lord knows I tried my best. I just wanted to make him happy with me. I know he's been hurt but I would never have hurt him. I loved/love him too much to ever cause him pain. I would take him back in an instant. I miss him. I'd rather die than be with anyone else [woahhh mellowdramatic...]. Why does Libby [sorry Libby, I do like you] get all these chances that I never did? Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't you happy? I'm so sorry I let you down. You must have expected more from me. And I wasn't good enough for you. I can't sleep without seeing you. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I wish we could at least be friends. I wish you cared about me even just the littlest bit. I wish you hadn't made me so suicidal [it's not all his fault]. I wish you had been there. I wish you could have come to the doctor's with me. I needed your hand to hold. I needed your shoulder to cry on. I needed those phone conversations that could last for hours. I just needed you. But you weren't there for me cause you don't care about me. You never have and you never will. Good night my love.



.....yeah.
dumb.