TWLOHA

Please nominate To Write Love On Her Arms

dreams

sorry it's been so long....again.

I haven't been sleeping well. Every night I'm having these really vivid nightmares, and they're really disturbing. I remember them for the longest time, and they're actually affecting me. I'm really tired all the time now, because I'm waking up multiple times in the night, sometimes sweating, sometimes panting....it sucks.

But anyway...school starts in a week :/ I'm really not excited...at all. I don't want to go back. That place is so unhappy. Nobody wants to be there. It's a dungeon. There's no light. It's a cement fortress. Solitary confinement. It's horrible and I don't think I can do another year...well another two years. My class schedule is really full...no study halls. AP Lang, IB Music, IB Bio, IB Spanish, Wind Ensemble, Photo 3, Newspaper, Advanced Math, and...I think that's it. Then, I now have a job, I play volleyball in the fall, track in the spring, and do baton. I also need to start taking piano lessons. Woooooo

Hm...it's now 2:08 in the a.m. I'm at Zac's house with Zoie :) it's been great. but I'm just feeling weird. So I thought I'd check in.

<3

pepsi and highlighters

AP Lang is already upsetting me
and school hasn't even started yet.
bleh :/

I have a project/paper thing due Monday. I'm so behind already. Mmm whatevs, I'll figure it out.

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I kind of forget that I have a blog. Oopsies.

But yeah, this past week, for like three nights in a row, I could barely sleep. I thought I was an insomniac, but I figured out why it was happening; I was drinking too much tea. haha of course. So now I'm sleeping fine again, which is gooooood.
Tuesday I went to Funtown with my mumzie and sister and it was really fun until my sister decided to be bitchy like usual and ruin it. Then Thursday Tom and Tori came over and we had a little photoshoot and made a youtube video and swam in my pool and played rockband...haha it was soooo much fun <3
And now my weekend is devoted to finishing this AP Lang work. But it's all good, I really don't mind that much. I just want to get it over with. I'm really excited about this upcoming school year. Tori and I were just talking about the changes we're going to be making. I'm going to be soooo much more organized, and change my wardrobe a little, just add a few more nice pieces so I'm not just wearing big band shirts and skinny jeans all the time. I'm so pumped for my independent photo class and wind ensemble :)

Buuuutt I should be getting back to my work. I'll try to update this more often. Love you all.

hair dye and thongs.

haha I went shopping today. Hence the title. I went to Sally's [I WORSHIP Sally's. Awesome products at amazing prices. GO THERE] and got some good hair color. I'm going to do blonde on top and brown on the bottom, with maybe some blonde streaks on the bottom like in front. Anywho, enough about my amazingly awesome hair.

I've started using my twitter more. Follow me : http://twitter.com/kenzienicole93. I've also just now created a flickr. http://www.flickr.com/people/40009138@N06/ I haven't uploaded anything yet, but I'll be working on it. I also have a youtube : http://www.youtube.com/user/kenzienicole93 haha I love the originality in my url name choices :/

But yeah, I'll be working on those. I'd love to keep everyone updated and such. And tell me if you have anything you want me to focus on in my videos, or even my photography.

<3

home.

I hate this town.
I hate Maine.
I want to go back to Japan. I was so happy there.


I was bawling in the bathroom when we went out to dinner tonight. I just want to go back. That's my home. Everyone's leaving me here. My "real" friends aren't around anymore. They don't talk to me. I've done nothing.

dfpoaisd sorry
I haven't been on my medicine for a while.
So I kind of break down about nothing.


I just want my old life back.

my drunken journal entry.

Wow...it's been sooo long since I last blogged. But yeah, I promise I'll get back into it since I have my laptop back and it's summer so I'm not that busy..at the moment.

Soooooo last night.
Drank a bit.
vented quite a bit.
wrote in muh journal
it's barely legible because I was pretty gone like... yeah
but here it is:

I'm kind of drunk. Quite tipsy. I have Ryan's school picture card thing next to me. I miss him so much. He was my everything. He is the reason I'm like this. He is the reason I'm in therapy and he's why I drink and smoke and get high. He made me feel so good, and now that he's gone I feel shitty. Even though it's been months since we broke up, he is still everything I think about and I can't sleep without him haunting my dreams. I just want to feel that warmth again. I just want to fee[l] his kiss again. I miss his friendship I miss talking on the phone with him. I miss him. So much. I miss my friend. I miss my companion. I don't know why I wasn't good enough for him. Lord knows I tried my best. I just wanted to make him happy with me. I know he's been hurt but I would never have hurt him. I loved/love him too much to ever cause him pain. I would take him back in an instant. I miss him. I'd rather die than be with anyone else [woahhh mellowdramatic...]. Why does Libby [sorry Libby, I do like you] get all these chances that I never did? Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't you happy? I'm so sorry I let you down. You must have expected more from me. And I wasn't good enough for you. I can't sleep without seeing you. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I wish we could at least be friends. I wish you cared about me even just the littlest bit. I wish you hadn't made me so suicidal [it's not all his fault]. I wish you had been there. I wish you could have come to the doctor's with me. I needed your hand to hold. I needed your shoulder to cry on. I needed those phone conversations that could last for hours. I just needed you. But you weren't there for me cause you don't care about me. You never have and you never will. Good night my love.



.....yeah.
dumb.

for my love, TD <33333 :D

It's been so long since I last blogged. I've just been dealing with lots of things and making really stupid decisions and yeah...
I don't really want to talk too much about the bad, so let's discuss good things that are going on.
Track started, and I'm already feeling better about myself and feeling a bit healthier. Being active serves as a distraction from all the crap. I love doing sports. I love the ache after a good workout. I love the stiffness I feel for days afterward, because it serves as a reminder that I'm taking better care of myself. I've also recently decided that I'm going to start doing yoga. And I have my best friend to support me. Miss Tori Dorr and I are going to become yoga junkies and go for walks and runs and just help each other be better. Without the support of my lovely loverr, I don't know if I'd be able to do this. But we've got each other's backs, and I know I can do anything with her there to tell me I can :)
I can't wait for summer. I want this school year to end. I want to spend time with my bestie at the beach. I want to chill with my awesome friends. I want to work at BullMoose. I just can't wait. This summer is going to be great, I can feel it. I'm just going to relax with my friends, and be happy.
I'm really anxious for Junior year to start. I have an amazing schedule, full of classes I'm really excited to take. I'm taking IB Music with Murrdog, which will be fantastic. Two years of a class devoted to understanding music and finding global connections through music? Sounds like the class for me. I also made it into Newspaper [aoifjd YAY !] and Wind Ensemble. I was really excited about Newspaper, but I legit could not stop smiling when I found out I was in Wind Ensemble. I'm still so happy. I've been working so hard on getting better and to have that work recognized is a great feeling. I'm also taking IB Bio HL with one of my all-time favorite teachers, Mr. Black. And Photo 2 ! So excited. I'm going to be insanely busy, but it's all good. I'm going to pull myself together this summer and develop a gameplan of sorts, so I can really tackle next year.
I've been reading a LOT lately. I finished the 6th Harry Potter, and a book called Weetzy Bat [fantastic, read it, NOW] and I'm on to the next in that series. I've also been reading Memoirs of a Geisha, Brideshead Revisited, and A Clockwork Orange. I like boooooks :D haha books make me so happy. I love sitting in the shower [yes, shower, trust me there's a system] for a loooooooong time and reading. I believe the amount of reading I do is what has made me a better writer. Because of the variety of books I read, I've seen different voices [if you will], and I've been able to develop my own.
Anywho. IT'S THE LAST QUARTER ! Just a few more weeks and then FREEEEDOM ! Well, freedom as in a few weeks of warm weather, filled with work and summer homework, and possibly socializing, if I can squeeze it in. I'm really done with this year. I'm just giving up. I mean, I'm trying to pull the last bit of energy I have together and force it into my schoolwork but...gah. No moreeee !

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm giving up on the 4-6 pages of a research paper I'm supposed to be writing for tomorrow :D It's too ridiculous for right now, and I'd really like some sleep. So nighty night.