I want....

somebody to come over.

I want to get so drunk that I'm hung over for at least three days.

I want to get sooooo fucking high.

I want to get fucked up and hook up with some random guy, and never talk to him again.

I want to forget you.

I want to hate you.

God, I really do.

I'm a fucking shell.

I'm a fucking wreck.

I am fucked.

I am nothing and I am fucked.

I never want to think again.

I want to drink myself to death.

I want to overdose.

Be comatose.

ANYTHING but this.

You know what I want?
I want to be happy.

Like I was a few months ago.

I want to feel something again.

I want to stop asking God why he's doing this to me.

I want to stop frantically searching my voicemail for those messages.

I want to stop getting in bed and crying myself to sleep [if I sleep at all]
I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the coming day, not mourn the fact that I made it through the night.

I want just one, at least one, of my friends to understand where I'm coming from.

I want to stop missing that voice.

I want to stop missing those phone calls.

I want to be able to make it through a day without crying.

I want to be able to drive a car, listen to the radio, and not start hyperventilating when a song comes on he used to play [I was fucking whiteknuckling it, tears in my eyes]
I want to stop wishing on stars, and freaking out when I miss 11:11.

I want to turn back time.

I want back what I lost.

I want that more than anything [I'd give anything, literally].

I want to feel whole again.

I want that other piece back.

I want to run away [seriously].

I want someone to hold my hand, look me in the eyes, hold me, kiss my forehead....
I want someone to LOVE me.

I want to cry [the tears are right there]
I want to cut again. So badly. Sooooo fucking badly.

I want to stop saying things like "Guh I'm going to kill myself" and being partly serious.

I want to stop feeling so fake.

I want to feel beautiful without all the makeup and hair.

I want to stop despising myself.



I want to forget.
I want to...sleep. Sleep for a looooong time. Sleep forever.

and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

So, I just finished watching Donnie Darko.
I can't really put into words how much I love that movie. If you were physically talking to me about it, I'd probably be making a lot of crazy hand/arm motions and spluttering, unable to find an adequate description of my love for that piece of cinematic genius [cinematic genius is a pretty good start though...Jesus, I'm brilliant :)]. If you have not seen that movie, watch it. And then watch it again..and again..and again. If I could, I'd have it on a constant loop. That film really makes you think about life and God and...gah just stuff. At least, it makes me think about life and God and..stuff. I love movies that can make you think like that. A movie that makes you reconsider who you are and what the EFF is going on is the movie for me.

One scene that makes me laugh for at least a solid five minutes is when Donnie, his parents, and Kitty Farmer are in the Principle's office and Kitty says, "I'll tell you what he said! He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!" ahahaha oh jeeeesus.

No, but seriously. Amazing movie. I wish I were creative enough or deep enough [or fucked up enough?] to write something like this. Who the hell thinks of liquid-like "spears" that come from your chest, signifying your set path in life? WHO DAMN IT???? I don't. Because I suck.
I love the ending, just after Gretchen's been run over and Donnie shoots Frank. Everything seems to be falling apart, his whole life crumbling before him, but it's also a time of intense clarity. Everything finally clicks. It kind of connects to the idea of in our darkest moments is when we finally see that light [or some other philosophical crap]. I don't know if that connection makes sense to anybody else, but it made sense to me so fuck it.

And when Donnie is talking about how his dog crawled under the porch when it was dying. Dr. Thurman says it was to die, but Donnie says it was to be alone, almost as if he's correcting her. I think about that scene a lot. I mean, I think about almost every scene a lot, but that is one that really stands out in my mind. I want to figure out why it seems like Donnie was correcting Dr. Thurman....anywho.

I FUCKING ADORE JAKE GYLLENHAAL. I don't care if anybody agrees with me, or if anybody thinks I'm psychotic or anything for thinking this, but that man is like sex on a stick. He is like the embodiment of the most intense orgasm EVER. Gurrrlllll he is so fiiiiiiiine. I just want to lick him. GOD DAMN GRETCHEN [played by the wonderful Jena Malone who is fantastic in Pride & Prejudice, might I add] GETS TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. ajsdofjasoidfj holy unfairness Batman. Mr. Gyllenhaal is an amazing actor. He is so dark, and soooo brooding in Donnie Darko. He is fantastic. Like in the scene where he's telling Dr. Thurman about how he burned down Jim Cunningham's house. Seriously, I...I don't even know *cue crazy hand/arm motions and spluttering* He just...GAH it's just so good. The way he portrays this youth with this huge weight on his shoulders is fabulous. The contrast between the apparent mental decay yet slow realization of truth in Donnie wouldn't have been played as well by anybody else. Jake Gyllenhaal is simply...crazy. He's crazy good. And I'm going to marry him. I'm gonna become a Mormon and move to Utah so I can marry Jake Gyllenhaal, Craigery Owens, and Gerard Way [among others :)]

But in all seriousness, watch the goddamn movie.

Oh, and I'm getting 2864212 tattooed on me somewhere...someday :D

OH and the soundtrack PWNS. I really want it..and the movie, so I can watch it whenevahz I vantz [hmm gift idea?] But yeah, the soundtrack. The song that plays with the ending credits...I don't know what it's called, but JESUS CHRIST is it gorgeous. I could listen to it for hours.

Just everything about that effing movie makes me cream my jeeeeeeans. hahaha...oh god...

Except Drew Barrymore...eh...oh Drew....why'd you have to grow up? You were just so cute in E.T., I just wanna pinch your cheeks and give you a cookie. Charlie's Angels, yeah, you provide some laughs. Never Been Kissed? I really like that movie, a lot. Donnie Darko....hmm...well...I'd say broody and deep isn't really your thing, is it? Love ya Drew but, uh...never again? Thanks.


HA it's almost 3 a.m., my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out, and I could really use some sleep...but I kind of want to watch another movie....or blog some more...or read a book...or learn how to fly a plane...HEY speaking of, how trippy would it be to have a jet engine fall through your room? Sometimes, when planes fly over my house [which is pretty frequent since I live nearish to an airport], I worry that they're going to like crash into my house or near my house. If it crashes into a house in my neighborhood but doesn't directly affect me, then I couldn't give two shits. But if it like burns down my house or kills one of my friends or something...then that kind of sucks...a lot. Especially if it killed my cats...that would really blows...hard.

WOAH total tangent. Alright...well..I have lots of thoughts, and I could keep this going for a loooooong time, but I won't :)

Nighty night, sleep tight, don't let the giant bunny rabbits bite ^_^

the burden I have been carrying is not my idea of fun

I've decided.
I will make my music.
I can find other things to push me.
I want to make my music. I want to perfect that art. I want to be the best I can be. Music is the only thing that makes sense to me right now...it's been the only consistent thing in my life. I will do this. I'm going to devote most of my time to my music. I'm going to write down every little thing I think of that could possibly be used to help me, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

I can't sit down and write a whole song. I mean, I can, I'm very capable of it, but it doesn't happen like that. Usually, I'm just sitting on the computer or reading or trying to fall asleep, and two lines will come into my mind. At that point, I'll jump up, frantically searching for my song journal [which I always seem to misplace] and write those lines down. If I'm really feeling it, I'll keep writing. I love those moments, when I can pour myself into a song, when everything clicks and the ink flows. Sometimes, what I'm writing doesn't make much sense, but I just release all of the emotions I have stored up and just...write.

I wish things came more easily to me, though. I wish I were more creative. I think I worry too much about whether or not what I'm drawing/writing/etc is creative, and it kind of forms this mental block. I'm hoping that with age and experience I'll become more creative and more inspired...hopefully I'll be better able to express myself to the best of my ability.

I don't know, I was just thinking about that, and I was asked to write a new blog, so I thought this would work. Ha maybe someday my blogs won't suck so hard and I'll be of some interest to people :) But that's a big maybe.

don't you tell me I won't survive? thousands tell you that you won't survive. I'll survive, I'll survive.

Today was...weird. But it was a good weird. It was a day of reconnecting and just...emotions. Brendan [I know you're going to read this :P] and I started speaking again today. And since he'll eventually be seeing this, I'm going to take this opportunity to let him know and whoever else reads this that I am a raging, horrible, bitchy person. I said some HORRIBLE things. I honestly wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with me if I was Brendan. And I am sorry from the deepest part of my being. Right now, I need my friends more than ever, and having him back in my life is amazing and I am so happy to be able to call him my friend again. I really missed him a lot. I don't care who gets pissed off at that, I need people in my life, I need the people that are or were at one point my closest friends. That's the only way I'll stay sane.
I also had this really, really deep and, for me at least, emotional conversation with one of my former best friends Tori. I really did like that, and that's another person I've said some horrible things about. But I really did like reconnecting with her. I just need friendships. I will always be there for people, no matter what they've done or how many fights we've gotten in. I just want people to know they can come to me. I want to help. I want to help people make sense of their lives, even though mine's kind of a mess. If I can help somebody else, maybe I'll learn how to help myself. But anywho, there are certain individuals who I know will be very, very angry about me talking to Tori again. And, again, I don't care. We were at one point best friends, and what happened between us happened when we were freshman. We have both grown. As I said to her, I want to move forward and become a better person than I was back then. I believe that to become a better person, I need to first forget my old grudges, resolve ancient conflicts, and move on. Without the strain of "hating" somebody, I'll be able to better focus on myself [as selfish as that sounds] and who I am, what I want, etc. Reconnecting to these people has really made me feel much better about things. Maybe I'm foolish for falling back into old patterns so quickly, or putting so much trust into someone I "hated", but I'm willing to learn from any mistakes I'm making right now. But if either of them read this, I'd like them to know I'm very happy to have them back in my life. :)
Yeah..I have a lot more to say, but I'm so tired I can barely think, nor focus long enough to write much more. So I'll leave the rest of this for tomorrow. I just wanted to spread the word of my reborn friendships and how happy I am about them.


Oh, and The Human Abstract is kind of an orgasm for the ears.
[goodness...the memories....some time I'll blog about how almost every piece of music I listen to reminds me of a guy in some way...ha that will be fun !...]

fiasudhf

I don't feel like coming up with actual titles, so there you go ^

I had a horrible day. Actually, the first part of the day wasn't bad, school wasn't horrible. Then I got home, and everything turned to shit. There's this guy, and he was [WAS] one of my best friends. And he's been saying he really likes me and blah blah blah. I went over his house yesterday and at first he was like holding my hand and he had his arm around me and stuff and it was great and then he just...changed. He explained it kind of in the car when his dad was bringing me home, but he still made it seem like he wanted a relationship to happen. Then today, he just completely takes everything back and acts like he never said anything. Like he never said he wanted a relationship with me. He basically told me he had been leading me on. Surprise surprise, I got fucked over again.
That would be the 4th guy in a row. I'm really doing well. And at this point, I know it's not just me making poor choices in guys. I know there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I get walked all over all the time? Why can't I find someone that cares about me even the slightest bit? Why do I have to care so much about people that don't give a shit about me? My friends always say I'm too good for them and all that stuff, but clearly I'm not good enough. I can't make them happy, but that's all I want to do and I try so hard. I put my whole heart and soul into everything, why can't someone put a little of themselves into my happiness? Why do I have to be miserable all the time? I hate waking up in the morning and worrying about how bad the day is going to be. I hate loathing my sister, wishing my dad would finally say she could move to Japan to live with him. I can't wait for that day. She's part of the reason I'm so miserable. I'm at the point where I barely even respond to the bitchy things she says to me, I just go to my room. I hate being locked up in my room all the time just because I don't want to deal with her. [I just realized this has nothing to do with why I started writing this...oops] More on the sister despising later...
I had some pretty bad thoughts today. And I'm pretty sure I made one of my best friends mad at me with the things I was saying. But what I said is what I've felt for a very long time. It may be upsetting as a friend to know that's how I feel, but I need to start telling people these things. I'm about ready to self-destruct. The worst thing was, when I was feeling the worst, there was nobody for me to talk to. I wanted to call Ryan, really badly, because I figured he could be my friend in that moment and maybe talk me out of the dark place I was in mentally, and I had the phone in my hand, but I couldn't do it. I've been hearing mixed things, some people say he hates me and never wants to talk to me again, and some people say he doesn't hate me at all and such. I just didn't call him because, if he does actually hate me and not want to talk to me, I didn't want to annoy him or anything. I didn't want to put him in a bad mood or anything by calling him in the state I was. And it hurt, a lot, that I was scared to call somebody that at one point had been one of my closest friends. Now I'm not even sure what's going on.
But with the aforementioned guy, I told him to never speak to me again, and to pretend that we had never been friends. I was so angry, and so hurt. I cried quite a bit considering there really hadn't been anything in the first place. Honestly, I was almost as upset as when Ryan broke up with me. I think the reason for my reaction was..I don't know...I just really, really cared about him, and I thought I had finally found someone that was going to make me happy and who would actually care about me. And I was wrong. Again. I don't understand why it's so easy for them to just throw me away, with no remorse or cares about how I feel. Nobody really knows how fragile my psyche really is though, I guess, because I try to be strong. I really do. But it's getting so hard. I'm supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist [that's the last thing I want to do]. Depression runs in my family [I really think I need to be medicated]. And I hate saying those things, because I feel like I'm giving up. For so long, I've just tried to brush it off, saying it was all in my head, that I could overcome it. But I really don't think it is. I have horrible mood swings. One of my best friends keeps telling me she thinks I'm bipolar [yeah, that really helps...] I hate giving in like this, I feel like I'm surrendering to something I could control. I don't want to be medicated, I don't want to be one of those people. The people that have to take a pill to get through the day. The people that can never really be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be loved back. I want so many things that I can't have.
I want to stop going to bed hoping I don't wake up. I want to stop wishing to be diagnosed with cancer, or to go into a coma, thinking maybe then "he" might start caring. I need to be cared for. And yes, I have so many wonderful friends that care about me, but what I'm talking about is a different kind of love. I don't even know how to describe it. It's that look in your significant other's eye, that feeling of acceptance. The butterflies when they hold you, the pure joy you feel when you hear their voice. There are so many little things, I can't list them all. I'm not even sure I could put them into words. You don't get those things from your friends. I miss those feelings. I've never really seen that "look" in my direction, but I know what it is. I mean, I've received what I think could maybe, possibly be something like that look, but obviously I was wrong. The other things are very one-sided, and I've felt them. Clearly I've been very wrong in thinking the past four guys cared about me, but I have felt those things. I don't know why..I guess I just get lost in delusions.
To sum this up, I want to be happy. And to be loved or at least cared about would be wonderful as well, but I won't push my luck.
And I must apologize for this, I really do hate writing these stupid blogs about all the crap that's going on in my life, because everybody has stuff to deal with, so why add my problems on to that? But I'm sick of hiding my feelings, and I'm sick of avoiding talking about what I'm really thinking.
I need to change.