don't you tell me I won't survive? thousands tell you that you won't survive. I'll survive, I'll survive.

Today was...weird. But it was a good weird. It was a day of reconnecting and just...emotions. Brendan [I know you're going to read this :P] and I started speaking again today. And since he'll eventually be seeing this, I'm going to take this opportunity to let him know and whoever else reads this that I am a raging, horrible, bitchy person. I said some HORRIBLE things. I honestly wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with me if I was Brendan. And I am sorry from the deepest part of my being. Right now, I need my friends more than ever, and having him back in my life is amazing and I am so happy to be able to call him my friend again. I really missed him a lot. I don't care who gets pissed off at that, I need people in my life, I need the people that are or were at one point my closest friends. That's the only way I'll stay sane.
I also had this really, really deep and, for me at least, emotional conversation with one of my former best friends Tori. I really did like that, and that's another person I've said some horrible things about. But I really did like reconnecting with her. I just need friendships. I will always be there for people, no matter what they've done or how many fights we've gotten in. I just want people to know they can come to me. I want to help. I want to help people make sense of their lives, even though mine's kind of a mess. If I can help somebody else, maybe I'll learn how to help myself. But anywho, there are certain individuals who I know will be very, very angry about me talking to Tori again. And, again, I don't care. We were at one point best friends, and what happened between us happened when we were freshman. We have both grown. As I said to her, I want to move forward and become a better person than I was back then. I believe that to become a better person, I need to first forget my old grudges, resolve ancient conflicts, and move on. Without the strain of "hating" somebody, I'll be able to better focus on myself [as selfish as that sounds] and who I am, what I want, etc. Reconnecting to these people has really made me feel much better about things. Maybe I'm foolish for falling back into old patterns so quickly, or putting so much trust into someone I "hated", but I'm willing to learn from any mistakes I'm making right now. But if either of them read this, I'd like them to know I'm very happy to have them back in my life. :)
Yeah..I have a lot more to say, but I'm so tired I can barely think, nor focus long enough to write much more. So I'll leave the rest of this for tomorrow. I just wanted to spread the word of my reborn friendships and how happy I am about them.


Oh, and The Human Abstract is kind of an orgasm for the ears.
[goodness...the memories....some time I'll blog about how almost every piece of music I listen to reminds me of a guy in some way...ha that will be fun !...]