fiasudhf

I don't feel like coming up with actual titles, so there you go ^

I had a horrible day. Actually, the first part of the day wasn't bad, school wasn't horrible. Then I got home, and everything turned to shit. There's this guy, and he was [WAS] one of my best friends. And he's been saying he really likes me and blah blah blah. I went over his house yesterday and at first he was like holding my hand and he had his arm around me and stuff and it was great and then he just...changed. He explained it kind of in the car when his dad was bringing me home, but he still made it seem like he wanted a relationship to happen. Then today, he just completely takes everything back and acts like he never said anything. Like he never said he wanted a relationship with me. He basically told me he had been leading me on. Surprise surprise, I got fucked over again.
That would be the 4th guy in a row. I'm really doing well. And at this point, I know it's not just me making poor choices in guys. I know there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I get walked all over all the time? Why can't I find someone that cares about me even the slightest bit? Why do I have to care so much about people that don't give a shit about me? My friends always say I'm too good for them and all that stuff, but clearly I'm not good enough. I can't make them happy, but that's all I want to do and I try so hard. I put my whole heart and soul into everything, why can't someone put a little of themselves into my happiness? Why do I have to be miserable all the time? I hate waking up in the morning and worrying about how bad the day is going to be. I hate loathing my sister, wishing my dad would finally say she could move to Japan to live with him. I can't wait for that day. She's part of the reason I'm so miserable. I'm at the point where I barely even respond to the bitchy things she says to me, I just go to my room. I hate being locked up in my room all the time just because I don't want to deal with her. [I just realized this has nothing to do with why I started writing this...oops] More on the sister despising later...
I had some pretty bad thoughts today. And I'm pretty sure I made one of my best friends mad at me with the things I was saying. But what I said is what I've felt for a very long time. It may be upsetting as a friend to know that's how I feel, but I need to start telling people these things. I'm about ready to self-destruct. The worst thing was, when I was feeling the worst, there was nobody for me to talk to. I wanted to call Ryan, really badly, because I figured he could be my friend in that moment and maybe talk me out of the dark place I was in mentally, and I had the phone in my hand, but I couldn't do it. I've been hearing mixed things, some people say he hates me and never wants to talk to me again, and some people say he doesn't hate me at all and such. I just didn't call him because, if he does actually hate me and not want to talk to me, I didn't want to annoy him or anything. I didn't want to put him in a bad mood or anything by calling him in the state I was. And it hurt, a lot, that I was scared to call somebody that at one point had been one of my closest friends. Now I'm not even sure what's going on.
But with the aforementioned guy, I told him to never speak to me again, and to pretend that we had never been friends. I was so angry, and so hurt. I cried quite a bit considering there really hadn't been anything in the first place. Honestly, I was almost as upset as when Ryan broke up with me. I think the reason for my reaction was..I don't know...I just really, really cared about him, and I thought I had finally found someone that was going to make me happy and who would actually care about me. And I was wrong. Again. I don't understand why it's so easy for them to just throw me away, with no remorse or cares about how I feel. Nobody really knows how fragile my psyche really is though, I guess, because I try to be strong. I really do. But it's getting so hard. I'm supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist [that's the last thing I want to do]. Depression runs in my family [I really think I need to be medicated]. And I hate saying those things, because I feel like I'm giving up. For so long, I've just tried to brush it off, saying it was all in my head, that I could overcome it. But I really don't think it is. I have horrible mood swings. One of my best friends keeps telling me she thinks I'm bipolar [yeah, that really helps...] I hate giving in like this, I feel like I'm surrendering to something I could control. I don't want to be medicated, I don't want to be one of those people. The people that have to take a pill to get through the day. The people that can never really be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be loved back. I want so many things that I can't have.
I want to stop going to bed hoping I don't wake up. I want to stop wishing to be diagnosed with cancer, or to go into a coma, thinking maybe then "he" might start caring. I need to be cared for. And yes, I have so many wonderful friends that care about me, but what I'm talking about is a different kind of love. I don't even know how to describe it. It's that look in your significant other's eye, that feeling of acceptance. The butterflies when they hold you, the pure joy you feel when you hear their voice. There are so many little things, I can't list them all. I'm not even sure I could put them into words. You don't get those things from your friends. I miss those feelings. I've never really seen that "look" in my direction, but I know what it is. I mean, I've received what I think could maybe, possibly be something like that look, but obviously I was wrong. The other things are very one-sided, and I've felt them. Clearly I've been very wrong in thinking the past four guys cared about me, but I have felt those things. I don't know why..I guess I just get lost in delusions.
To sum this up, I want to be happy. And to be loved or at least cared about would be wonderful as well, but I won't push my luck.
And I must apologize for this, I really do hate writing these stupid blogs about all the crap that's going on in my life, because everybody has stuff to deal with, so why add my problems on to that? But I'm sick of hiding my feelings, and I'm sick of avoiding talking about what I'm really thinking.
I need to change.