Saturday, January 31, 2009
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Maybe I make this too personal. Maybe nobody wants to know about my crap. Maybe nobody cares. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I annoy people. Maybe nobody wants me to talk to them about things. Maybe nobody wants to talk to me. Maybe nobody wants to read my blog. Maybe people think I'm overdramatic. Maybe I should stop thinking about all these things. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Maybe that's why...nevermind.
ksdjfgios
I almost caved today. Like..just now. A few minutes ago. It's 1:02 in the morning, and I got off the phone with Kevin like half an hour ago and...yeah...that's part of the reason. It's so hard because I want to do it again so badly, but the desire to be strong and not do it overpowers the desire to give in. But my god, I've come so close. Twice this week. I think I'm losing my hold on things. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff and everything that's been going on is trampling on my fingers, trying to make me let go. I won't let go. I won't. I can't and I won't. I'm stronger than that....I know I am...I think.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tonight was a night of endings and beginnings.
Well, I feel...refreshed. Called Ryan, worked nothing out. I'm done trying to fix that. Whatever happens, happens. I learned more from outside sources [that can't be named] than from him, which is sort of sad, but that's just how it goes. This source I trust COMPLETELY and I know that what I've been told is the complete truth, no rumors or exaggerations. Talking to this person helped me realize, I really did get screwed over. But realizing my screwed overness in turn helps me move on. And I've moved on.
I mean, I still haven't come to fully understand the one-sidedness of a breakup, or why I always care so much for people that don't care at all, but I'm over it. I've heard things like I might have just been a replacement of an exgirlfriend, or I was used to make said ex jealous, etc. And, really, all along, that's what I had been afraid of....maybe not afraid of..I think I knew that was the truth. I knew I was a replacement. Too many people had previously told me I reminded them of this girl for me to think otherwise. I don't appreciate being...used? I guess? Wouldn't be the first time. I just thought this was going to be different, but it wasn't. Oh well, move on.
What hurts most, though, is hearing about the person he was prior to his relationship with his exgirlfriend. That's the person I want to know. I've heard all these great things about the old him, because there really is an old and a new. I think there's even a new new, since I've seen him change in the few months I've known him. It's so frustrating, hearing about the past and seeing the present. I actually feel bad, I almost pity him, that these things happened, but I hate that he lets things change him so drastically. He thinks "Oh, well my past relationship didn't work so let me completely change and be the exact opposite of how I was then", and that's not how it works. You find the specific things that didn't work and fix those, you don't just change who you are. I've heard things like "You should have known him before her, he was really cool" and stuff, and it just upsets me. I really wish I had known that person. I don't want to be pitied by others, being told I got the "shit end of the stick", but that's what has happened.
I also don't understand how past relationships can be allowed to affect so much those in the present and future. Yes, what happened was bad, move on. It's over. Just because it happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen again [it also doesn't mean it won't happen again], you just need to have faith in people. Not everyone is out to get you. You CAN let people in, you NEED people in your life that will care for you, and you NEED at least one person in your life to take care of and help out. When I say take care of, I don't mean wipe their ass and give them a spongebath. I mean be there for them to cry on or talk to. ACT LIKE YOU CARE. Acknowledge their existence. You need to cherish the presence of others, be thankful for the relationships and friendships you have. You do actually have to put effort into making others happy. I know, CRAZY IDEA, thinking about somebody else and caring about their happiness, but sorry, that's what you have to do. Maybe that's what he was like before, maybe he did let people in, let them care for him, maybe he showed people he cared. I definitely didn't see it, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not going to wait around for him to change or get over her anymore. It's just not worth my time. He clearly didn't care about me, didn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, and that's fine. I'm glad I know it now. It's just another experience I can grow from. And unlike him, I won't let this change me. I won't be bitter, and I certainly won't date someone just as a replacement or an object in the hopes of creating jealousy. I've been hurt multiple times; if there were a scale on which you could measure the crap both of us went through with relationships, I'd probably surpass him. Even though I've been hurt, I've never changed how I am. EVER. I will always put my whole heart into relationships, I will always put that person's happiness, if not before mine, at least on the same level as mine. I will always show them I care. I will always be there. I will always let them in. I'm like that with friendships and relationships. Yeah, it can end badly and I can be upset, but I at least know I gave it everything.
Yeah, I loved him. He was very special to me. But notice the past tense in those two sentences. His actions have made rekindling a friendship, in my opinion, hard to do. He thought that by giving me space, a friendship would be easier and less awkward. The truth is, it's more awkward now having to really build up from scratch and start over. I can jump right back into a friendship. That's what I'd much rather do. If a relationship didn't work out, fine, as long as we're friends, that's cool. I can move on, nothing will be awkward, it's all cool and fine and awesome and whatnot. But we never really talked about that. We never really talked about anything. I tried, and he would just become clearly flustered and angry. I'm not the only one to notice that. I really do want to be his friend, he was the person I could talk to most easily on the phone, and the first person I wanted to talk to when I was upset or anything. And it's still like that. I still want to call him when I'm upset, but not because I'm reverting back to the old ways when we had a relationship. Just because I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. I want to talk about music, or how crappy Spanish and Chem are. I want to hang out at lunch and be able to laugh and talk and just be chilllll. He made it awkward though. Avoiding things is not the answer. At all. Ever. I'm not the type of person to just avoid things, I confront them, so I can't fully understand what it's like to be an...avoider? I think at one time I was like that, though, and it never worked out well. I now confront things headon.
Well...I'm not done venting really. But I'm really tired. So I'll end this.
Sorry if you've read this and are now thinking "stupid teenage girl with her stupid teenage hormones and stupid teenage drama". Yes, I'm a stupid teenage girl. I write these blogs for my own benefit. I am not begging for these to be read. If you read it, it's your own fault you wasted x amount of time of your life, not mine.
Thank you and goodnight :)
I was told a lot of things tonight, and those things showed me that I'm better off.
I mean, I still haven't come to fully understand the one-sidedness of a breakup, or why I always care so much for people that don't care at all, but I'm over it. I've heard things like I might have just been a replacement of an exgirlfriend, or I was used to make said ex jealous, etc. And, really, all along, that's what I had been afraid of....maybe not afraid of..I think I knew that was the truth. I knew I was a replacement. Too many people had previously told me I reminded them of this girl for me to think otherwise. I don't appreciate being...used? I guess? Wouldn't be the first time. I just thought this was going to be different, but it wasn't. Oh well, move on.
What hurts most, though, is hearing about the person he was prior to his relationship with his exgirlfriend. That's the person I want to know. I've heard all these great things about the old him, because there really is an old and a new. I think there's even a new new, since I've seen him change in the few months I've known him. It's so frustrating, hearing about the past and seeing the present. I actually feel bad, I almost pity him, that these things happened, but I hate that he lets things change him so drastically. He thinks "Oh, well my past relationship didn't work so let me completely change and be the exact opposite of how I was then", and that's not how it works. You find the specific things that didn't work and fix those, you don't just change who you are. I've heard things like "You should have known him before her, he was really cool" and stuff, and it just upsets me. I really wish I had known that person. I don't want to be pitied by others, being told I got the "shit end of the stick", but that's what has happened.
I also don't understand how past relationships can be allowed to affect so much those in the present and future. Yes, what happened was bad, move on. It's over. Just because it happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen again [it also doesn't mean it won't happen again], you just need to have faith in people. Not everyone is out to get you. You CAN let people in, you NEED people in your life that will care for you, and you NEED at least one person in your life to take care of and help out. When I say take care of, I don't mean wipe their ass and give them a spongebath. I mean be there for them to cry on or talk to. ACT LIKE YOU CARE. Acknowledge their existence. You need to cherish the presence of others, be thankful for the relationships and friendships you have. You do actually have to put effort into making others happy. I know, CRAZY IDEA, thinking about somebody else and caring about their happiness, but sorry, that's what you have to do. Maybe that's what he was like before, maybe he did let people in, let them care for him, maybe he showed people he cared. I definitely didn't see it, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not going to wait around for him to change or get over her anymore. It's just not worth my time. He clearly didn't care about me, didn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, and that's fine. I'm glad I know it now. It's just another experience I can grow from. And unlike him, I won't let this change me. I won't be bitter, and I certainly won't date someone just as a replacement or an object in the hopes of creating jealousy. I've been hurt multiple times; if there were a scale on which you could measure the crap both of us went through with relationships, I'd probably surpass him. Even though I've been hurt, I've never changed how I am. EVER. I will always put my whole heart into relationships, I will always put that person's happiness, if not before mine, at least on the same level as mine. I will always show them I care. I will always be there. I will always let them in. I'm like that with friendships and relationships. Yeah, it can end badly and I can be upset, but I at least know I gave it everything.
Yeah, I loved him. He was very special to me. But notice the past tense in those two sentences. His actions have made rekindling a friendship, in my opinion, hard to do. He thought that by giving me space, a friendship would be easier and less awkward. The truth is, it's more awkward now having to really build up from scratch and start over. I can jump right back into a friendship. That's what I'd much rather do. If a relationship didn't work out, fine, as long as we're friends, that's cool. I can move on, nothing will be awkward, it's all cool and fine and awesome and whatnot. But we never really talked about that. We never really talked about anything. I tried, and he would just become clearly flustered and angry. I'm not the only one to notice that. I really do want to be his friend, he was the person I could talk to most easily on the phone, and the first person I wanted to talk to when I was upset or anything. And it's still like that. I still want to call him when I'm upset, but not because I'm reverting back to the old ways when we had a relationship. Just because I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. I want to talk about music, or how crappy Spanish and Chem are. I want to hang out at lunch and be able to laugh and talk and just be chilllll. He made it awkward though. Avoiding things is not the answer. At all. Ever. I'm not the type of person to just avoid things, I confront them, so I can't fully understand what it's like to be an...avoider? I think at one time I was like that, though, and it never worked out well. I now confront things headon.
Well...I'm not done venting really. But I'm really tired. So I'll end this.
Sorry if you've read this and are now thinking "stupid teenage girl with her stupid teenage hormones and stupid teenage drama". Yes, I'm a stupid teenage girl. I write these blogs for my own benefit. I am not begging for these to be read. If you read it, it's your own fault you wasted x amount of time of your life, not mine.
Thank you and goodnight :)
I was told a lot of things tonight, and those things showed me that I'm better off.
Monday, January 26, 2009
He talked to me today. It was weird, but I was thankful? Correct adjective? mm sure. But that's all I'll be saying on that topic for today. :)
Second semester started today WOO ! I now have a study hall on Blue days and Photography 1 on White days ! I'm sooo excited for Photo, I've been wanting to take this class for soo long. And I love the teacher, Mr. Drew, dearly. He makes me laugh alll the time and we get along really well :) I had Art Foundations with him last year and that class was amazingg haha.
My love Brooke is leaving my Spanish class :( I'm so upset. Now I have to deal with akwardness that I DID NOT MAKE. If I had my way, everything would be NORMAL. But anyway, I digress... we did so poorly on the written part of our Spanish midterms that we now have to do a writing prompt every Friday. Grrrrreat.
No really major events to talk about today, except the aforementioned talkage and yeah..that's about it. Band was full of awesome sexual innuendos as usual, Chem was full of laughs with Maddee and lunch with Chelsea was wonderful :) I love my friends so muchh.
Hopefully I'll have more to talk about in the near future.
That is all for today my dears.
Goodbye :)
Second semester started today WOO ! I now have a study hall on Blue days and Photography 1 on White days ! I'm sooo excited for Photo, I've been wanting to take this class for soo long. And I love the teacher, Mr. Drew, dearly. He makes me laugh alll the time and we get along really well :) I had Art Foundations with him last year and that class was amazingg haha.
My love Brooke is leaving my Spanish class :( I'm so upset. Now I have to deal with akwardness that I DID NOT MAKE. If I had my way, everything would be NORMAL. But anyway, I digress... we did so poorly on the written part of our Spanish midterms that we now have to do a writing prompt every Friday. Grrrrreat.
No really major events to talk about today, except the aforementioned talkage and yeah..that's about it. Band was full of awesome sexual innuendos as usual, Chem was full of laughs with Maddee and lunch with Chelsea was wonderful :) I love my friends so muchh.
Hopefully I'll have more to talk about in the near future.
That is all for today my dears.
Goodbye :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
One word: MIDTERMS.
It's been approximately two weeks since my last post and I'm reallyy sorry about that. I've just been completely out of it [if you don't know why, read two posts back]. And to add on to THAT crap, midterms were this past week and I was just about ready to blow my brains outt by the time Friday finally rolled around. I honestly at one point had gotten no more than three hours of sleep in two days because I was spending so much time studying. I was a mess. And obviously I had no time to blog, but I do now so..YAY ! hah
So...exboyfriend still won't talk to me. Apparently, he thinks this is going to help our friendship in the long run?? Well, that's what my friend Kevin said Ryan told him...which I think is bullshit. I think he just doesn't care. At all. Never has, never will. The thing is, I care so much, and I still do even though he's hurting me so much. It's so messed up and he's handling this the complete wrong way. Guh..maybe he cares a little...because he apparently asked my friend Maddee if I was mad at him and stuff I guess? Well, OBVIOUSLY I'm not very pleased. I understand the breakup..kinda...but the not talking to me thing after he had said to me (NOT ME TO HIM BUT HIM TO ME) that he still really wanted to be friends and whatnot. Does that make sense? At all? If this is his way of dealing with the breakup then what the hell? Why does he get to deal with it in his way, and I just have to go along with it and not move on the way I normally would? I want to TALK about things, I want to know what happened, what went wrong, what I did wrong, all that stuff. I'm left with so many unanswered questions, and I hate being left to wonder.
Okay, I'm really, really, ridiculously sorry about the stupidity of my past blogs. Actually, all of them. I am a very venty, ranty person [if either of those are adjectives...] I don't expect people to actually read these and follow my blog, except for some of my very close friends who have, I don't know why, decided to put up with my stupid teenageness. Probably because they're also teenagers...but that's beside the point.
Anywho, moving on. This weekend was FAAABULOUSS !! Friday night, bonded with the family, whatever, not that important. Saturday night, I went to dear Zac's house with Diana, Josh, KFitz, Zoie, and Sarahh and we had a BLAST. Then KFitz slept over my house and this morning [sunday] we walked to Zac's house and had vegan coconut-chocolate chip pancakes and they were, surprisingly, really good ! And we had a happy day of happy awesomeness and I was happy ! Until...I went on Facebook/MySpace and I don't know...I swear to god I'm bipolar or SOMETHING because I can be the happiest person one minute and then the next I'm sitting in a corner and I won't talk to or look at anybody. I want to talk to my mom about it, because I really think I need to be medicated or something, but I think she'll just tell me I'm being foolish and stuff. Or she'll make me go to a shrink or something which is NOT what I want to do. ha I love how I go from pancakes to psychiatry...it's grrrrreat.
Next topic. LAURENNN ZONI IS MY LIFE ! I love her so much. She is my favorite freshman ! Well, my favorite freshman girl anyway. She's so fantastic, and I can talk to her about anything :D And we're writing a book together !!!
Two more people I've gotten close to this year that I love to pieces? Maddee and Chelsea ! I knew Maddee last year because of volleyball, but we really got close this year and I adore her, she's so wonderful and she's so funny and an all-around awesome person. And Chelsea....oh my god CHELSEA. I met her because of Ryan, and she has quickly become one of my FAVORITE people. We talk about the craziest stuff haha. Both of them are helping me so much and making me feel so much better. I love them both so so so so much, I don't know what I would do without them :) They have quickly become two of my best friends <3
So yeah..that's about it for now because my hands are starting to hurt from typing for the past 2093840934 hours :D I'm calling this one DONE SON. And yeah...I'll probably think of something later that I wanted to write about on here but oh well, I'll save that for the next one !
Bye loves !
So...exboyfriend still won't talk to me. Apparently, he thinks this is going to help our friendship in the long run?? Well, that's what my friend Kevin said Ryan told him...which I think is bullshit. I think he just doesn't care. At all. Never has, never will. The thing is, I care so much, and I still do even though he's hurting me so much. It's so messed up and he's handling this the complete wrong way. Guh..maybe he cares a little...because he apparently asked my friend Maddee if I was mad at him and stuff I guess? Well, OBVIOUSLY I'm not very pleased. I understand the breakup..kinda...but the not talking to me thing after he had said to me (NOT ME TO HIM BUT HIM TO ME) that he still really wanted to be friends and whatnot. Does that make sense? At all? If this is his way of dealing with the breakup then what the hell? Why does he get to deal with it in his way, and I just have to go along with it and not move on the way I normally would? I want to TALK about things, I want to know what happened, what went wrong, what I did wrong, all that stuff. I'm left with so many unanswered questions, and I hate being left to wonder.
Okay, I'm really, really, ridiculously sorry about the stupidity of my past blogs. Actually, all of them. I am a very venty, ranty person [if either of those are adjectives...] I don't expect people to actually read these and follow my blog, except for some of my very close friends who have, I don't know why, decided to put up with my stupid teenageness. Probably because they're also teenagers...but that's beside the point.
Anywho, moving on. This weekend was FAAABULOUSS !! Friday night, bonded with the family, whatever, not that important. Saturday night, I went to dear Zac's house with Diana, Josh, KFitz, Zoie, and Sarahh and we had a BLAST. Then KFitz slept over my house and this morning [sunday] we walked to Zac's house and had vegan coconut-chocolate chip pancakes and they were, surprisingly, really good ! And we had a happy day of happy awesomeness and I was happy ! Until...I went on Facebook/MySpace and I don't know...I swear to god I'm bipolar or SOMETHING because I can be the happiest person one minute and then the next I'm sitting in a corner and I won't talk to or look at anybody. I want to talk to my mom about it, because I really think I need to be medicated or something, but I think she'll just tell me I'm being foolish and stuff. Or she'll make me go to a shrink or something which is NOT what I want to do. ha I love how I go from pancakes to psychiatry...it's grrrrreat.
Next topic. LAURENNN ZONI IS MY LIFE ! I love her so much. She is my favorite freshman ! Well, my favorite freshman girl anyway. She's so fantastic, and I can talk to her about anything :D And we're writing a book together !!!
Two more people I've gotten close to this year that I love to pieces? Maddee and Chelsea ! I knew Maddee last year because of volleyball, but we really got close this year and I adore her, she's so wonderful and she's so funny and an all-around awesome person. And Chelsea....oh my god CHELSEA. I met her because of Ryan, and she has quickly become one of my FAVORITE people. We talk about the craziest stuff haha. Both of them are helping me so much and making me feel so much better. I love them both so so so so much, I don't know what I would do without them :) They have quickly become two of my best friends <3
So yeah..that's about it for now because my hands are starting to hurt from typing for the past 2093840934 hours :D I'm calling this one DONE SON. And yeah...I'll probably think of something later that I wanted to write about on here but oh well, I'll save that for the next one !
Bye loves !
Monday, January 12, 2009
apparently I'm incoherent?
My dear friend James [not the James I've previously mentioned, but my Frosh friend James with the curly locks] pointed out that I really have a typing issue. It's not huge, but there are times where I throw in words that are completely different from the words I meant to type. For instance, in the blog I JUST did, I said "awesome" instead of "assume". I'm just going to blame my stupidity on lack of sleep and the amount of hormones raging through my teenage body.
But I'm sorry to those of you who, upon reading my blog, may do things like tilt your head in confusion, or cry in frustration at my utter lack of skill, or do something else along those lines. I don't mean to cause you pain, I just don't take the time to edit these haha :)
So yeah, that was just a little disclaimer.
Stupidity officially disclaimed !
But I'm sorry to those of you who, upon reading my blog, may do things like tilt your head in confusion, or cry in frustration at my utter lack of skill, or do something else along those lines. I don't mean to cause you pain, I just don't take the time to edit these haha :)
So yeah, that was just a little disclaimer.
Stupidity officially disclaimed !
holy long time since my last blog batman !
Alright, sooo it's been about a month since I last posted a blog ^_^ oops.
But a shitload of SHITTT has happened. Uhmm I went to Japan over Christmas break, and really it wasn't THAT memorable I guess. I don't know, my memories are a little blocked by the completely dramatic turn everything took when I got back. Seriously, the worst things happen to me whenever I get back from a remotely "long"ish trip.
Yeah, I got dumped. I'd like to say it was a mutual decision, but I think in order for it to be mutual, I'd have to be accepting and supportive of it, which I'm definitely NOT at all. And because of this dumpage, I've lost really the only thing that was pushing me to better myself. I don't know, I've just lost my drive to make music. I don't even like sleeping anymore, and I freaking LOVEEEE sleeping normally, but now I just have dreams where everything's fine and I'm still happy..and then I wake up and I'm just depressed. Ha, I'm sorry this blog is so mehhhh and "emo" [if you will] but I just need to vent. And it's not like anybody really reads this anyway haha. I don't know..I'm just like..blank. But I'm trying REALLY hard to perk up and snap out of it, it's just really difficult when I'm still feeling like this is just a really bad nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. I'm hoping that someday he'll be really ready for a relationship and maybe then he'll give me another chance...but I really doubt it. I'm not THAT lucky.
But I did learn that I really do have this crazy sixth sense about relationships. I've predicted every bad thing that's happened in my past two relationships/pre-relationships. For example, last week, Sunday everything's fine and awesome and I'm happy. Monday, crap starts. Monday night - Thursday morning, barely talk to Stinson, so I know obviously something's wrong, I'm not an idiot. I told my friend Kevin like Tuesday or Wednesday night that I had a feeling I'd be dumped by the end of the week and, oh hey, Friday rolls around and I'm dumped. Maybe it's just insecurity and not some strange gift, but either way, I'm not sure if I like it or not. I mean, it helps me prepare emotionally, but there's only so much preparation that can take place. You can't really brace yourself for the completely distressing and emotionally/mentally draining nature of a breakup. It just blows. Hard.
Another thing I learned is that, apparently, I'm really pretty when I cry?? ahaha that's what my love Nikki told me. Yeah...lotssss of people saw me cry last week. I feel really bad for them. I hate crying in front of people. I want to be the strong friend who everybody can come to and lean on. I hate being weak. I just want to help people. But I guess I do love a good vent session, where I can just talkk and let go. I freaking love my friends, I have some of the best friends EVER. I feel really bad for people that 1. don't have friends and 2. don't have MY friends. I really have the most loyal and loving friends imaginable, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. My sophomore year has just been horrible and draining, and without them...I don't know...I think without them, really bad things would have happened.
Okay, I'm about to end this one since it's getting ridiculously long and stupid and sappy and I'm starting to hate myself for writing it. But, Friday night, I went to a local show in Wells. It was okay, but I didn't get to see Sparks The Rescue, which was really the only reason I went. I did get to hang out backstage and be awkward though aha. I was just being social, but stupid Jenica was making fun of me :( ahah I was standing next to a guy who I awesome was a band manager and I dropped my camera practically on his foot and he's just like "oh that's no problem, I drop my phone all the time" and I was like "yeahh I can't keep a hold on anything" and it was totally funny yet really awkward at the same time. And he was about the size of a hobbit, so I kinda felt bad that I was like looking down at this guy who was probably at least 12 years older than me. I don't know...nevermind.
AHHH one more thing. My mommy and stepdaddy redid my room ! It's totally freaking awesome and I looooove it. They're letting me paint on my walls like write and stuff and they're letting me do all this coool crap. And I'm putting twinkle lights on my ceiling ^_^
Alright, that's it for now. I do have lots more to talk about, I just have 8237498 hours of homework left and it's 9 pm and I'd really like to get some sleep tonight.
Good night my lovesss [whoever actually takes the time to read this crap :)]
But a shitload of SHITTT has happened. Uhmm I went to Japan over Christmas break, and really it wasn't THAT memorable I guess. I don't know, my memories are a little blocked by the completely dramatic turn everything took when I got back. Seriously, the worst things happen to me whenever I get back from a remotely "long"ish trip.
Yeah, I got dumped. I'd like to say it was a mutual decision, but I think in order for it to be mutual, I'd have to be accepting and supportive of it, which I'm definitely NOT at all. And because of this dumpage, I've lost really the only thing that was pushing me to better myself. I don't know, I've just lost my drive to make music. I don't even like sleeping anymore, and I freaking LOVEEEE sleeping normally, but now I just have dreams where everything's fine and I'm still happy..and then I wake up and I'm just depressed. Ha, I'm sorry this blog is so mehhhh and "emo" [if you will] but I just need to vent. And it's not like anybody really reads this anyway haha. I don't know..I'm just like..blank. But I'm trying REALLY hard to perk up and snap out of it, it's just really difficult when I'm still feeling like this is just a really bad nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. I'm hoping that someday he'll be really ready for a relationship and maybe then he'll give me another chance...but I really doubt it. I'm not THAT lucky.
But I did learn that I really do have this crazy sixth sense about relationships. I've predicted every bad thing that's happened in my past two relationships/pre-relationships. For example, last week, Sunday everything's fine and awesome and I'm happy. Monday, crap starts. Monday night - Thursday morning, barely talk to Stinson, so I know obviously something's wrong, I'm not an idiot. I told my friend Kevin like Tuesday or Wednesday night that I had a feeling I'd be dumped by the end of the week and, oh hey, Friday rolls around and I'm dumped. Maybe it's just insecurity and not some strange gift, but either way, I'm not sure if I like it or not. I mean, it helps me prepare emotionally, but there's only so much preparation that can take place. You can't really brace yourself for the completely distressing and emotionally/mentally draining nature of a breakup. It just blows. Hard.
Another thing I learned is that, apparently, I'm really pretty when I cry?? ahaha that's what my love Nikki told me. Yeah...lotssss of people saw me cry last week. I feel really bad for them. I hate crying in front of people. I want to be the strong friend who everybody can come to and lean on. I hate being weak. I just want to help people. But I guess I do love a good vent session, where I can just talkk and let go. I freaking love my friends, I have some of the best friends EVER. I feel really bad for people that 1. don't have friends and 2. don't have MY friends. I really have the most loyal and loving friends imaginable, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. My sophomore year has just been horrible and draining, and without them...I don't know...I think without them, really bad things would have happened.
Okay, I'm about to end this one since it's getting ridiculously long and stupid and sappy and I'm starting to hate myself for writing it. But, Friday night, I went to a local show in Wells. It was okay, but I didn't get to see Sparks The Rescue, which was really the only reason I went. I did get to hang out backstage and be awkward though aha. I was just being social, but stupid Jenica was making fun of me :( ahah I was standing next to a guy who I awesome was a band manager and I dropped my camera practically on his foot and he's just like "oh that's no problem, I drop my phone all the time" and I was like "yeahh I can't keep a hold on anything" and it was totally funny yet really awkward at the same time. And he was about the size of a hobbit, so I kinda felt bad that I was like looking down at this guy who was probably at least 12 years older than me. I don't know...nevermind.
AHHH one more thing. My mommy and stepdaddy redid my room ! It's totally freaking awesome and I looooove it. They're letting me paint on my walls like write and stuff and they're letting me do all this coool crap. And I'm putting twinkle lights on my ceiling ^_^
Alright, that's it for now. I do have lots more to talk about, I just have 8237498 hours of homework left and it's 9 pm and I'd really like to get some sleep tonight.
Good night my lovesss [whoever actually takes the time to read this crap :)]
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