Tonight was a night of endings and beginnings.

Well, I feel...refreshed. Called Ryan, worked nothing out. I'm done trying to fix that. Whatever happens, happens. I learned more from outside sources [that can't be named] than from him, which is sort of sad, but that's just how it goes. This source I trust COMPLETELY and I know that what I've been told is the complete truth, no rumors or exaggerations. Talking to this person helped me realize, I really did get screwed over. But realizing my screwed overness in turn helps me move on. And I've moved on.
I mean, I still haven't come to fully understand the one-sidedness of a breakup, or why I always care so much for people that don't care at all, but I'm over it. I've heard things like I might have just been a replacement of an exgirlfriend, or I was used to make said ex jealous, etc. And, really, all along, that's what I had been afraid of....maybe not afraid of..I think I knew that was the truth. I knew I was a replacement. Too many people had previously told me I reminded them of this girl for me to think otherwise. I don't appreciate being...used? I guess? Wouldn't be the first time. I just thought this was going to be different, but it wasn't. Oh well, move on.
What hurts most, though, is hearing about the person he was prior to his relationship with his exgirlfriend. That's the person I want to know. I've heard all these great things about the old him, because there really is an old and a new. I think there's even a new new, since I've seen him change in the few months I've known him. It's so frustrating, hearing about the past and seeing the present. I actually feel bad, I almost pity him, that these things happened, but I hate that he lets things change him so drastically. He thinks "Oh, well my past relationship didn't work so let me completely change and be the exact opposite of how I was then", and that's not how it works. You find the specific things that didn't work and fix those, you don't just change who you are. I've heard things like "You should have known him before her, he was really cool" and stuff, and it just upsets me. I really wish I had known that person. I don't want to be pitied by others, being told I got the "shit end of the stick", but that's what has happened.
I also don't understand how past relationships can be allowed to affect so much those in the present and future. Yes, what happened was bad, move on. It's over. Just because it happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen again [it also doesn't mean it won't happen again], you just need to have faith in people. Not everyone is out to get you. You CAN let people in, you NEED people in your life that will care for you, and you NEED at least one person in your life to take care of and help out. When I say take care of, I don't mean wipe their ass and give them a spongebath. I mean be there for them to cry on or talk to. ACT LIKE YOU CARE. Acknowledge their existence. You need to cherish the presence of others, be thankful for the relationships and friendships you have. You do actually have to put effort into making others happy. I know, CRAZY IDEA, thinking about somebody else and caring about their happiness, but sorry, that's what you have to do. Maybe that's what he was like before, maybe he did let people in, let them care for him, maybe he showed people he cared. I definitely didn't see it, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not going to wait around for him to change or get over her anymore. It's just not worth my time. He clearly didn't care about me, didn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, and that's fine. I'm glad I know it now. It's just another experience I can grow from. And unlike him, I won't let this change me. I won't be bitter, and I certainly won't date someone just as a replacement or an object in the hopes of creating jealousy. I've been hurt multiple times; if there were a scale on which you could measure the crap both of us went through with relationships, I'd probably surpass him. Even though I've been hurt, I've never changed how I am. EVER. I will always put my whole heart into relationships, I will always put that person's happiness, if not before mine, at least on the same level as mine. I will always show them I care. I will always be there. I will always let them in. I'm like that with friendships and relationships. Yeah, it can end badly and I can be upset, but I at least know I gave it everything.
Yeah, I loved him. He was very special to me. But notice the past tense in those two sentences. His actions have made rekindling a friendship, in my opinion, hard to do. He thought that by giving me space, a friendship would be easier and less awkward. The truth is, it's more awkward now having to really build up from scratch and start over. I can jump right back into a friendship. That's what I'd much rather do. If a relationship didn't work out, fine, as long as we're friends, that's cool. I can move on, nothing will be awkward, it's all cool and fine and awesome and whatnot. But we never really talked about that. We never really talked about anything. I tried, and he would just become clearly flustered and angry. I'm not the only one to notice that. I really do want to be his friend, he was the person I could talk to most easily on the phone, and the first person I wanted to talk to when I was upset or anything. And it's still like that. I still want to call him when I'm upset, but not because I'm reverting back to the old ways when we had a relationship. Just because I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. I want to talk about music, or how crappy Spanish and Chem are. I want to hang out at lunch and be able to laugh and talk and just be chilllll. He made it awkward though. Avoiding things is not the answer. At all. Ever. I'm not the type of person to just avoid things, I confront them, so I can't fully understand what it's like to be an...avoider? I think at one time I was like that, though, and it never worked out well. I now confront things headon.

Well...I'm not done venting really. But I'm really tired. So I'll end this.
Sorry if you've read this and are now thinking "stupid teenage girl with her stupid teenage hormones and stupid teenage drama". Yes, I'm a stupid teenage girl. I write these blogs for my own benefit. I am not begging for these to be read. If you read it, it's your own fault you wasted x amount of time of your life, not mine.
Thank you and goodnight :)
I was told a lot of things tonight, and those things showed me that I'm better off.