TWLOHA

Please nominate To Write Love On Her Arms

dreams

sorry it's been so long....again.

I haven't been sleeping well. Every night I'm having these really vivid nightmares, and they're really disturbing. I remember them for the longest time, and they're actually affecting me. I'm really tired all the time now, because I'm waking up multiple times in the night, sometimes sweating, sometimes panting....it sucks.

But anyway...school starts in a week :/ I'm really not excited...at all. I don't want to go back. That place is so unhappy. Nobody wants to be there. It's a dungeon. There's no light. It's a cement fortress. Solitary confinement. It's horrible and I don't think I can do another year...well another two years. My class schedule is really full...no study halls. AP Lang, IB Music, IB Bio, IB Spanish, Wind Ensemble, Photo 3, Newspaper, Advanced Math, and...I think that's it. Then, I now have a job, I play volleyball in the fall, track in the spring, and do baton. I also need to start taking piano lessons. Woooooo

Hm...it's now 2:08 in the a.m. I'm at Zac's house with Zoie :) it's been great. but I'm just feeling weird. So I thought I'd check in.

<3

pepsi and highlighters

AP Lang is already upsetting me
and school hasn't even started yet.
bleh :/

I have a project/paper thing due Monday. I'm so behind already. Mmm whatevs, I'll figure it out.

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I kind of forget that I have a blog. Oopsies.

But yeah, this past week, for like three nights in a row, I could barely sleep. I thought I was an insomniac, but I figured out why it was happening; I was drinking too much tea. haha of course. So now I'm sleeping fine again, which is gooooood.
Tuesday I went to Funtown with my mumzie and sister and it was really fun until my sister decided to be bitchy like usual and ruin it. Then Thursday Tom and Tori came over and we had a little photoshoot and made a youtube video and swam in my pool and played rockband...haha it was soooo much fun <3
And now my weekend is devoted to finishing this AP Lang work. But it's all good, I really don't mind that much. I just want to get it over with. I'm really excited about this upcoming school year. Tori and I were just talking about the changes we're going to be making. I'm going to be soooo much more organized, and change my wardrobe a little, just add a few more nice pieces so I'm not just wearing big band shirts and skinny jeans all the time. I'm so pumped for my independent photo class and wind ensemble :)

Buuuutt I should be getting back to my work. I'll try to update this more often. Love you all.

hair dye and thongs.

haha I went shopping today. Hence the title. I went to Sally's [I WORSHIP Sally's. Awesome products at amazing prices. GO THERE] and got some good hair color. I'm going to do blonde on top and brown on the bottom, with maybe some blonde streaks on the bottom like in front. Anywho, enough about my amazingly awesome hair.

I've started using my twitter more. Follow me : http://twitter.com/kenzienicole93. I've also just now created a flickr. http://www.flickr.com/people/40009138@N06/ I haven't uploaded anything yet, but I'll be working on it. I also have a youtube : http://www.youtube.com/user/kenzienicole93 haha I love the originality in my url name choices :/

But yeah, I'll be working on those. I'd love to keep everyone updated and such. And tell me if you have anything you want me to focus on in my videos, or even my photography.

<3

home.

I hate this town.
I hate Maine.
I want to go back to Japan. I was so happy there.


I was bawling in the bathroom when we went out to dinner tonight. I just want to go back. That's my home. Everyone's leaving me here. My "real" friends aren't around anymore. They don't talk to me. I've done nothing.

dfpoaisd sorry
I haven't been on my medicine for a while.
So I kind of break down about nothing.


I just want my old life back.

my drunken journal entry.

Wow...it's been sooo long since I last blogged. But yeah, I promise I'll get back into it since I have my laptop back and it's summer so I'm not that busy..at the moment.

Soooooo last night.
Drank a bit.
vented quite a bit.
wrote in muh journal
it's barely legible because I was pretty gone like... yeah
but here it is:

I'm kind of drunk. Quite tipsy. I have Ryan's school picture card thing next to me. I miss him so much. He was my everything. He is the reason I'm like this. He is the reason I'm in therapy and he's why I drink and smoke and get high. He made me feel so good, and now that he's gone I feel shitty. Even though it's been months since we broke up, he is still everything I think about and I can't sleep without him haunting my dreams. I just want to feel that warmth again. I just want to fee[l] his kiss again. I miss his friendship I miss talking on the phone with him. I miss him. So much. I miss my friend. I miss my companion. I don't know why I wasn't good enough for him. Lord knows I tried my best. I just wanted to make him happy with me. I know he's been hurt but I would never have hurt him. I loved/love him too much to ever cause him pain. I would take him back in an instant. I miss him. I'd rather die than be with anyone else [woahhh mellowdramatic...]. Why does Libby [sorry Libby, I do like you] get all these chances that I never did? Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't you happy? I'm so sorry I let you down. You must have expected more from me. And I wasn't good enough for you. I can't sleep without seeing you. I've never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I wish we could at least be friends. I wish you cared about me even just the littlest bit. I wish you hadn't made me so suicidal [it's not all his fault]. I wish you had been there. I wish you could have come to the doctor's with me. I needed your hand to hold. I needed your shoulder to cry on. I needed those phone conversations that could last for hours. I just needed you. But you weren't there for me cause you don't care about me. You never have and you never will. Good night my love.



.....yeah.
dumb.

for my love, TD <33333 :D

It's been so long since I last blogged. I've just been dealing with lots of things and making really stupid decisions and yeah...
I don't really want to talk too much about the bad, so let's discuss good things that are going on.
Track started, and I'm already feeling better about myself and feeling a bit healthier. Being active serves as a distraction from all the crap. I love doing sports. I love the ache after a good workout. I love the stiffness I feel for days afterward, because it serves as a reminder that I'm taking better care of myself. I've also recently decided that I'm going to start doing yoga. And I have my best friend to support me. Miss Tori Dorr and I are going to become yoga junkies and go for walks and runs and just help each other be better. Without the support of my lovely loverr, I don't know if I'd be able to do this. But we've got each other's backs, and I know I can do anything with her there to tell me I can :)
I can't wait for summer. I want this school year to end. I want to spend time with my bestie at the beach. I want to chill with my awesome friends. I want to work at BullMoose. I just can't wait. This summer is going to be great, I can feel it. I'm just going to relax with my friends, and be happy.
I'm really anxious for Junior year to start. I have an amazing schedule, full of classes I'm really excited to take. I'm taking IB Music with Murrdog, which will be fantastic. Two years of a class devoted to understanding music and finding global connections through music? Sounds like the class for me. I also made it into Newspaper [aoifjd YAY !] and Wind Ensemble. I was really excited about Newspaper, but I legit could not stop smiling when I found out I was in Wind Ensemble. I'm still so happy. I've been working so hard on getting better and to have that work recognized is a great feeling. I'm also taking IB Bio HL with one of my all-time favorite teachers, Mr. Black. And Photo 2 ! So excited. I'm going to be insanely busy, but it's all good. I'm going to pull myself together this summer and develop a gameplan of sorts, so I can really tackle next year.
I've been reading a LOT lately. I finished the 6th Harry Potter, and a book called Weetzy Bat [fantastic, read it, NOW] and I'm on to the next in that series. I've also been reading Memoirs of a Geisha, Brideshead Revisited, and A Clockwork Orange. I like boooooks :D haha books make me so happy. I love sitting in the shower [yes, shower, trust me there's a system] for a loooooooong time and reading. I believe the amount of reading I do is what has made me a better writer. Because of the variety of books I read, I've seen different voices [if you will], and I've been able to develop my own.
Anywho. IT'S THE LAST QUARTER ! Just a few more weeks and then FREEEEDOM ! Well, freedom as in a few weeks of warm weather, filled with work and summer homework, and possibly socializing, if I can squeeze it in. I'm really done with this year. I'm just giving up. I mean, I'm trying to pull the last bit of energy I have together and force it into my schoolwork but...gah. No moreeee !

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm giving up on the 4-6 pages of a research paper I'm supposed to be writing for tomorrow :D It's too ridiculous for right now, and I'd really like some sleep. So nighty night.

I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay...I'm going to survive.

Want to know the reason I haven't been on lately?

It's because I finally lost control. My delicate grasp on life was finally broken and I'm frantically trying to grab on once more. I'm scaring my friends, and frankly, I'm scaring myself. I'm so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could just lock myself away, to deal with my problems without getting the ones I love involved. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to make you worry, or cause you any sort of distress. I just can't pretend anymore.

For years, I have been able to hide. Yeah, everyone knows I've never really been alright, but nobody had to know just how bad things were. I could hide from everyone. I'm a very good actress. I've created this character. This smiling, outgoing, bubbly character. I don't know me. I know that thing. That monster. Maybe that is who I am. I don't know. Honestly. Am I the person you see at school, hanging with friends? The one who tries to be the center of attention? Make everyone see she's smiling and laughing. Make everyone see that she's alright.

Or am I the person at home. Listening to music. Writing blogs. Scaring her friends.

Whoever I am, I hate me.

I especially hate that I lost control. I feel so weak. I'm now on Zoloft and I have to go to counseling regularly. It makes me sick that I've become this..thing.


I can't really focus right now.
More things are falling apart as I'm writing this.
There will be more later.

apology/explanation

Alright..so.
People may not understand the decisions I've been making lately. Frankly, I don't really understand it completely myself. But...here's the best explanation I can give.

The things I've been doing help me forget. They help me live, really live, if only for a little while. Yesterday, I didn't cry once. And I know that was because of the things I had done. I felt....better. I went to sleep without shedding a tear.

Guh, I don't really feel like explaining all this again, I just talked to one of my best friends about it, so I'm just going to paste parts of that conversation here. Identities will be kept confidential.

Friend: ok. so. please explain to me why you are making poor decisions.

kenzienicole93 (10:03:45 PM): I don't know...I just get bored.

Friend: really though. i don't mean to be mean to you, i'm not mad at you, i'm mad regarding your choices. weed is one thing, but cigarettes. don't fuck with them, really, trust me

kenzienicole93 (10:05:41 PM): I knowww they're bad. but...they're just another thing to help me keep my mind off...stuff. I didn't cry once yesterday [friend]. you don't understand how good it felt to get through a day without bawling my eyes out. I fell asleep with dry eyes, I didn't have to cry myself to sleep like usual. it was amazing

kenzienicole93 (10:05:45 PM): I haven't cried today either

Friend: but kenz. there are better ways to do that. they're really really bad. like i don't think you understand kenz. trust me, they do things that you don't want to get wrapped up in. please, trust me

kenzienicole93 (10:07:22 PM): I knowww they're really bad. I tried so hard to get _____ to stop. lung cancer is HUGE in my family, so many of my family members have died from it. but..I don't know. I don't have to think about things when I've got a nicotine buzz going

Friend: understand that i'm not trying to be a jerk, but i don't quite know how to say it another way ... i really don't know what to do. i love you to death, you know that. and it terrifies me when you make bad choices or say certain things ... but right now, i'm disgusted. i really don't mean to sound like an ass, and i know i do. but i don't know what else to say. i don't want to lie to you, you've been lied to too many times. but telling you that it's ok and that it's no big deal would be a lie becuase it is a big deal. i spent every single weekend with my grandfather when i was little, and he had a heart attack and died because of the cigarettes that he smoked. i mean, kenz. it kills people. like really, kills them. they're gone. you don't get to spend any more time with them .. ever. you know how that goes, i know you do. and i'm not trying to scare you or to preach at you, becuase i know you know all these things. i'm just trying to explain my issue with it to you. i don't mean to sound self centered, but i can't watch you start this. i've watched one too many friends die in the past few months. and i know that it's not going to kill you anytime soon, but it's the choices and the way they reflect on the rest of your life. i know i sound like a jerk, and im soooo sorry, like more than you know. but i can't lie to you and tell you that it's ok, because it's not

kenzienicole93 (10:14:17 PM): you don't sound like a jerk. I was expecting people to hate it. I just....everything's so shitty right now [friend]. if I don't do something to take my mind off things, I really think...something bad will happen. so either I smoke myself to death over a long period of time or, you know...I'm gone quickly

Friend: kenz. really though, why do you think that way? trust me, things suck, all the time ... but if you think like that they just suck more. you can't say things like that because it just makes it worse

kenzienicole93 (10:17:18 PM): I can't help but think this way. I'm still messed up about _____. my "family" life is shit. school is killing me. and I basically hate myself anyway. I've been broken down so many times that I don't know if I can take it anymore

Friends: i wish i knew what to say to you, but i don't, and i feel terrible. i'm ceratinly not helping you, and the only thing i want to do is help, but i don't know what to do

kenzienicole93 (10:18:45 PM): you are helping by listening. that's all I need from you, and you do that perfectly so thank you. don't feel terrible, please. I'm going to be okay eventually

Friend: i want to believe you, but i don't know how. i know that you can be ok, but i'm not so sure that you will anymore. kenz, cigarettes and booze and things are not just things that can take heavy use and then just be forgotten about. sure, i booze every once in a while, but not a lot and not frequently. if you start to make these choices, and if you start to make them fast, you're going to regret it forever

kenzienicole93 (10:21:34 PM): I know there's danger. but I can't think of any other way to...forget. that's all I want to do, just for even a few minutes, I want to forget everything. I want to know no one, I want to remember nothing, I want to feel nothing

kenzienicole93 (10:21:45 PM): it's either do this stupid shit or do something to get myself in a coma

Friend: why though? why do you need to do this? forgive me, but i don't understand what gives _____ this power over you. you're doing this to yourself. you're letting him take you over like this.

kenzienicole93 (10:24:11 PM): it's not just _____. I don't know how to explain it....all I can say is I've been broken down so many times, and I've bounced back, after a long time, but you never fully heal. every time, a piece of you is taken away. the feelings I had/have for _____ were/are so strong that this was really like...the final straw. this year has just been horrible. I know it seems like I'm just letting him have this power over me, but trust me, I've tried to shake it off. but I can't. it's going to take much longer than usual to heal and I'll be much weaker than before. that's just how it is

Friend: i understand what you're saying
*CUE TWILIGHT REFERENCE*...sorry....

kenzienicole93 (10:28:02 PM): it's the most horrible kind of pain. you read Twilight. Breaking Dawn, when Edward leaves. I cried so much because I finally had a way to describe the feeling. it's a black hole, ripping you apart from the inside. I'm not even exaggerating [friend], I really do feel like there's a whole in my chest. like right under my sternum. it's real, it's there. and it's worse than ever because, I know it's stupid, but.._____ was so perfect. I would have gladly ended my search forever if he had wanted me enough to stay with me. but he didn't. he left me in the dark. and I honestly can't see anything now

Friend: i mean, i understand where you're coming from, i just can't justify your choices. i don't know if that makes sense

kenzienicole93 (10:29:07 PM): I know, there's no justification

So yeah....that was about it. I know, I sound really whiny and "emo", and like I'm doing this for attention, but understand this: This is NOT the type of attention I want. I can't help but be hurt. And I know I'm hurting my friends and disappointing them with the decisions I make, but, I'm sorry but I don't really care. I need to be selfish for a little while. I've given so much of myself to others, I just need these few things. I don't expect people to understand, I'd just like it if they just...hold on. Please don't give up on me. I love you all.

I want....

somebody to come over.

I want to get so drunk that I'm hung over for at least three days.

I want to get sooooo fucking high.

I want to get fucked up and hook up with some random guy, and never talk to him again.

I want to forget you.

I want to hate you.

God, I really do.

I'm a fucking shell.

I'm a fucking wreck.

I am fucked.

I am nothing and I am fucked.

I never want to think again.

I want to drink myself to death.

I want to overdose.

Be comatose.

ANYTHING but this.

You know what I want?
I want to be happy.

Like I was a few months ago.

I want to feel something again.

I want to stop asking God why he's doing this to me.

I want to stop frantically searching my voicemail for those messages.

I want to stop getting in bed and crying myself to sleep [if I sleep at all]
I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to the coming day, not mourn the fact that I made it through the night.

I want just one, at least one, of my friends to understand where I'm coming from.

I want to stop missing that voice.

I want to stop missing those phone calls.

I want to be able to make it through a day without crying.

I want to be able to drive a car, listen to the radio, and not start hyperventilating when a song comes on he used to play [I was fucking whiteknuckling it, tears in my eyes]
I want to stop wishing on stars, and freaking out when I miss 11:11.

I want to turn back time.

I want back what I lost.

I want that more than anything [I'd give anything, literally].

I want to feel whole again.

I want that other piece back.

I want to run away [seriously].

I want someone to hold my hand, look me in the eyes, hold me, kiss my forehead....
I want someone to LOVE me.

I want to cry [the tears are right there]
I want to cut again. So badly. Sooooo fucking badly.

I want to stop saying things like "Guh I'm going to kill myself" and being partly serious.

I want to stop feeling so fake.

I want to feel beautiful without all the makeup and hair.

I want to stop despising myself.



I want to forget.
I want to...sleep. Sleep for a looooong time. Sleep forever.

and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

So, I just finished watching Donnie Darko.
I can't really put into words how much I love that movie. If you were physically talking to me about it, I'd probably be making a lot of crazy hand/arm motions and spluttering, unable to find an adequate description of my love for that piece of cinematic genius [cinematic genius is a pretty good start though...Jesus, I'm brilliant :)]. If you have not seen that movie, watch it. And then watch it again..and again..and again. If I could, I'd have it on a constant loop. That film really makes you think about life and God and...gah just stuff. At least, it makes me think about life and God and..stuff. I love movies that can make you think like that. A movie that makes you reconsider who you are and what the EFF is going on is the movie for me.

One scene that makes me laugh for at least a solid five minutes is when Donnie, his parents, and Kitty Farmer are in the Principle's office and Kitty says, "I'll tell you what he said! He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!" ahahaha oh jeeeesus.

No, but seriously. Amazing movie. I wish I were creative enough or deep enough [or fucked up enough?] to write something like this. Who the hell thinks of liquid-like "spears" that come from your chest, signifying your set path in life? WHO DAMN IT???? I don't. Because I suck.
I love the ending, just after Gretchen's been run over and Donnie shoots Frank. Everything seems to be falling apart, his whole life crumbling before him, but it's also a time of intense clarity. Everything finally clicks. It kind of connects to the idea of in our darkest moments is when we finally see that light [or some other philosophical crap]. I don't know if that connection makes sense to anybody else, but it made sense to me so fuck it.

And when Donnie is talking about how his dog crawled under the porch when it was dying. Dr. Thurman says it was to die, but Donnie says it was to be alone, almost as if he's correcting her. I think about that scene a lot. I mean, I think about almost every scene a lot, but that is one that really stands out in my mind. I want to figure out why it seems like Donnie was correcting Dr. Thurman....anywho.

I FUCKING ADORE JAKE GYLLENHAAL. I don't care if anybody agrees with me, or if anybody thinks I'm psychotic or anything for thinking this, but that man is like sex on a stick. He is like the embodiment of the most intense orgasm EVER. Gurrrlllll he is so fiiiiiiiine. I just want to lick him. GOD DAMN GRETCHEN [played by the wonderful Jena Malone who is fantastic in Pride & Prejudice, might I add] GETS TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. ajsdofjasoidfj holy unfairness Batman. Mr. Gyllenhaal is an amazing actor. He is so dark, and soooo brooding in Donnie Darko. He is fantastic. Like in the scene where he's telling Dr. Thurman about how he burned down Jim Cunningham's house. Seriously, I...I don't even know *cue crazy hand/arm motions and spluttering* He just...GAH it's just so good. The way he portrays this youth with this huge weight on his shoulders is fabulous. The contrast between the apparent mental decay yet slow realization of truth in Donnie wouldn't have been played as well by anybody else. Jake Gyllenhaal is simply...crazy. He's crazy good. And I'm going to marry him. I'm gonna become a Mormon and move to Utah so I can marry Jake Gyllenhaal, Craigery Owens, and Gerard Way [among others :)]

But in all seriousness, watch the goddamn movie.

Oh, and I'm getting 2864212 tattooed on me somewhere...someday :D

OH and the soundtrack PWNS. I really want it..and the movie, so I can watch it whenevahz I vantz [hmm gift idea?] But yeah, the soundtrack. The song that plays with the ending credits...I don't know what it's called, but JESUS CHRIST is it gorgeous. I could listen to it for hours.

Just everything about that effing movie makes me cream my jeeeeeeans. hahaha...oh god...

Except Drew Barrymore...eh...oh Drew....why'd you have to grow up? You were just so cute in E.T., I just wanna pinch your cheeks and give you a cookie. Charlie's Angels, yeah, you provide some laughs. Never Been Kissed? I really like that movie, a lot. Donnie Darko....hmm...well...I'd say broody and deep isn't really your thing, is it? Love ya Drew but, uh...never again? Thanks.


HA it's almost 3 a.m., my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out, and I could really use some sleep...but I kind of want to watch another movie....or blog some more...or read a book...or learn how to fly a plane...HEY speaking of, how trippy would it be to have a jet engine fall through your room? Sometimes, when planes fly over my house [which is pretty frequent since I live nearish to an airport], I worry that they're going to like crash into my house or near my house. If it crashes into a house in my neighborhood but doesn't directly affect me, then I couldn't give two shits. But if it like burns down my house or kills one of my friends or something...then that kind of sucks...a lot. Especially if it killed my cats...that would really blows...hard.

WOAH total tangent. Alright...well..I have lots of thoughts, and I could keep this going for a loooooong time, but I won't :)

Nighty night, sleep tight, don't let the giant bunny rabbits bite ^_^

the burden I have been carrying is not my idea of fun

I've decided.
I will make my music.
I can find other things to push me.
I want to make my music. I want to perfect that art. I want to be the best I can be. Music is the only thing that makes sense to me right now...it's been the only consistent thing in my life. I will do this. I'm going to devote most of my time to my music. I'm going to write down every little thing I think of that could possibly be used to help me, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

I can't sit down and write a whole song. I mean, I can, I'm very capable of it, but it doesn't happen like that. Usually, I'm just sitting on the computer or reading or trying to fall asleep, and two lines will come into my mind. At that point, I'll jump up, frantically searching for my song journal [which I always seem to misplace] and write those lines down. If I'm really feeling it, I'll keep writing. I love those moments, when I can pour myself into a song, when everything clicks and the ink flows. Sometimes, what I'm writing doesn't make much sense, but I just release all of the emotions I have stored up and just...write.

I wish things came more easily to me, though. I wish I were more creative. I think I worry too much about whether or not what I'm drawing/writing/etc is creative, and it kind of forms this mental block. I'm hoping that with age and experience I'll become more creative and more inspired...hopefully I'll be better able to express myself to the best of my ability.

I don't know, I was just thinking about that, and I was asked to write a new blog, so I thought this would work. Ha maybe someday my blogs won't suck so hard and I'll be of some interest to people :) But that's a big maybe.

don't you tell me I won't survive? thousands tell you that you won't survive. I'll survive, I'll survive.

Today was...weird. But it was a good weird. It was a day of reconnecting and just...emotions. Brendan [I know you're going to read this :P] and I started speaking again today. And since he'll eventually be seeing this, I'm going to take this opportunity to let him know and whoever else reads this that I am a raging, horrible, bitchy person. I said some HORRIBLE things. I honestly wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with me if I was Brendan. And I am sorry from the deepest part of my being. Right now, I need my friends more than ever, and having him back in my life is amazing and I am so happy to be able to call him my friend again. I really missed him a lot. I don't care who gets pissed off at that, I need people in my life, I need the people that are or were at one point my closest friends. That's the only way I'll stay sane.
I also had this really, really deep and, for me at least, emotional conversation with one of my former best friends Tori. I really did like that, and that's another person I've said some horrible things about. But I really did like reconnecting with her. I just need friendships. I will always be there for people, no matter what they've done or how many fights we've gotten in. I just want people to know they can come to me. I want to help. I want to help people make sense of their lives, even though mine's kind of a mess. If I can help somebody else, maybe I'll learn how to help myself. But anywho, there are certain individuals who I know will be very, very angry about me talking to Tori again. And, again, I don't care. We were at one point best friends, and what happened between us happened when we were freshman. We have both grown. As I said to her, I want to move forward and become a better person than I was back then. I believe that to become a better person, I need to first forget my old grudges, resolve ancient conflicts, and move on. Without the strain of "hating" somebody, I'll be able to better focus on myself [as selfish as that sounds] and who I am, what I want, etc. Reconnecting to these people has really made me feel much better about things. Maybe I'm foolish for falling back into old patterns so quickly, or putting so much trust into someone I "hated", but I'm willing to learn from any mistakes I'm making right now. But if either of them read this, I'd like them to know I'm very happy to have them back in my life. :)
Yeah..I have a lot more to say, but I'm so tired I can barely think, nor focus long enough to write much more. So I'll leave the rest of this for tomorrow. I just wanted to spread the word of my reborn friendships and how happy I am about them.


Oh, and The Human Abstract is kind of an orgasm for the ears.
[goodness...the memories....some time I'll blog about how almost every piece of music I listen to reminds me of a guy in some way...ha that will be fun !...]

fiasudhf

I don't feel like coming up with actual titles, so there you go ^

I had a horrible day. Actually, the first part of the day wasn't bad, school wasn't horrible. Then I got home, and everything turned to shit. There's this guy, and he was [WAS] one of my best friends. And he's been saying he really likes me and blah blah blah. I went over his house yesterday and at first he was like holding my hand and he had his arm around me and stuff and it was great and then he just...changed. He explained it kind of in the car when his dad was bringing me home, but he still made it seem like he wanted a relationship to happen. Then today, he just completely takes everything back and acts like he never said anything. Like he never said he wanted a relationship with me. He basically told me he had been leading me on. Surprise surprise, I got fucked over again.
That would be the 4th guy in a row. I'm really doing well. And at this point, I know it's not just me making poor choices in guys. I know there has to be something wrong with me. Why do I get walked all over all the time? Why can't I find someone that cares about me even the slightest bit? Why do I have to care so much about people that don't give a shit about me? My friends always say I'm too good for them and all that stuff, but clearly I'm not good enough. I can't make them happy, but that's all I want to do and I try so hard. I put my whole heart and soul into everything, why can't someone put a little of themselves into my happiness? Why do I have to be miserable all the time? I hate waking up in the morning and worrying about how bad the day is going to be. I hate loathing my sister, wishing my dad would finally say she could move to Japan to live with him. I can't wait for that day. She's part of the reason I'm so miserable. I'm at the point where I barely even respond to the bitchy things she says to me, I just go to my room. I hate being locked up in my room all the time just because I don't want to deal with her. [I just realized this has nothing to do with why I started writing this...oops] More on the sister despising later...
I had some pretty bad thoughts today. And I'm pretty sure I made one of my best friends mad at me with the things I was saying. But what I said is what I've felt for a very long time. It may be upsetting as a friend to know that's how I feel, but I need to start telling people these things. I'm about ready to self-destruct. The worst thing was, when I was feeling the worst, there was nobody for me to talk to. I wanted to call Ryan, really badly, because I figured he could be my friend in that moment and maybe talk me out of the dark place I was in mentally, and I had the phone in my hand, but I couldn't do it. I've been hearing mixed things, some people say he hates me and never wants to talk to me again, and some people say he doesn't hate me at all and such. I just didn't call him because, if he does actually hate me and not want to talk to me, I didn't want to annoy him or anything. I didn't want to put him in a bad mood or anything by calling him in the state I was. And it hurt, a lot, that I was scared to call somebody that at one point had been one of my closest friends. Now I'm not even sure what's going on.
But with the aforementioned guy, I told him to never speak to me again, and to pretend that we had never been friends. I was so angry, and so hurt. I cried quite a bit considering there really hadn't been anything in the first place. Honestly, I was almost as upset as when Ryan broke up with me. I think the reason for my reaction was..I don't know...I just really, really cared about him, and I thought I had finally found someone that was going to make me happy and who would actually care about me. And I was wrong. Again. I don't understand why it's so easy for them to just throw me away, with no remorse or cares about how I feel. Nobody really knows how fragile my psyche really is though, I guess, because I try to be strong. I really do. But it's getting so hard. I'm supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist [that's the last thing I want to do]. Depression runs in my family [I really think I need to be medicated]. And I hate saying those things, because I feel like I'm giving up. For so long, I've just tried to brush it off, saying it was all in my head, that I could overcome it. But I really don't think it is. I have horrible mood swings. One of my best friends keeps telling me she thinks I'm bipolar [yeah, that really helps...] I hate giving in like this, I feel like I'm surrendering to something I could control. I don't want to be medicated, I don't want to be one of those people. The people that have to take a pill to get through the day. The people that can never really be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be loved back. I want so many things that I can't have.
I want to stop going to bed hoping I don't wake up. I want to stop wishing to be diagnosed with cancer, or to go into a coma, thinking maybe then "he" might start caring. I need to be cared for. And yes, I have so many wonderful friends that care about me, but what I'm talking about is a different kind of love. I don't even know how to describe it. It's that look in your significant other's eye, that feeling of acceptance. The butterflies when they hold you, the pure joy you feel when you hear their voice. There are so many little things, I can't list them all. I'm not even sure I could put them into words. You don't get those things from your friends. I miss those feelings. I've never really seen that "look" in my direction, but I know what it is. I mean, I've received what I think could maybe, possibly be something like that look, but obviously I was wrong. The other things are very one-sided, and I've felt them. Clearly I've been very wrong in thinking the past four guys cared about me, but I have felt those things. I don't know why..I guess I just get lost in delusions.
To sum this up, I want to be happy. And to be loved or at least cared about would be wonderful as well, but I won't push my luck.
And I must apologize for this, I really do hate writing these stupid blogs about all the crap that's going on in my life, because everybody has stuff to deal with, so why add my problems on to that? But I'm sick of hiding my feelings, and I'm sick of avoiding talking about what I'm really thinking.
I need to change.

.

Maybe I make this too personal. Maybe nobody wants to know about my crap. Maybe nobody cares. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I annoy people. Maybe nobody wants me to talk to them about things. Maybe nobody wants to talk to me. Maybe nobody wants to read my blog. Maybe people think I'm overdramatic. Maybe I should stop thinking about all these things. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Maybe that's why...nevermind.

ksdjfgios

I almost caved today. Like..just now. A few minutes ago. It's 1:02 in the morning, and I got off the phone with Kevin like half an hour ago and...yeah...that's part of the reason. It's so hard because I want to do it again so badly, but the desire to be strong and not do it overpowers the desire to give in. But my god, I've come so close. Twice this week. I think I'm losing my hold on things. I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff and everything that's been going on is trampling on my fingers, trying to make me let go. I won't let go. I won't. I can't and I won't. I'm stronger than that....I know I am...I think.

Tonight was a night of endings and beginnings.

Well, I feel...refreshed. Called Ryan, worked nothing out. I'm done trying to fix that. Whatever happens, happens. I learned more from outside sources [that can't be named] than from him, which is sort of sad, but that's just how it goes. This source I trust COMPLETELY and I know that what I've been told is the complete truth, no rumors or exaggerations. Talking to this person helped me realize, I really did get screwed over. But realizing my screwed overness in turn helps me move on. And I've moved on.
I mean, I still haven't come to fully understand the one-sidedness of a breakup, or why I always care so much for people that don't care at all, but I'm over it. I've heard things like I might have just been a replacement of an exgirlfriend, or I was used to make said ex jealous, etc. And, really, all along, that's what I had been afraid of....maybe not afraid of..I think I knew that was the truth. I knew I was a replacement. Too many people had previously told me I reminded them of this girl for me to think otherwise. I don't appreciate being...used? I guess? Wouldn't be the first time. I just thought this was going to be different, but it wasn't. Oh well, move on.
What hurts most, though, is hearing about the person he was prior to his relationship with his exgirlfriend. That's the person I want to know. I've heard all these great things about the old him, because there really is an old and a new. I think there's even a new new, since I've seen him change in the few months I've known him. It's so frustrating, hearing about the past and seeing the present. I actually feel bad, I almost pity him, that these things happened, but I hate that he lets things change him so drastically. He thinks "Oh, well my past relationship didn't work so let me completely change and be the exact opposite of how I was then", and that's not how it works. You find the specific things that didn't work and fix those, you don't just change who you are. I've heard things like "You should have known him before her, he was really cool" and stuff, and it just upsets me. I really wish I had known that person. I don't want to be pitied by others, being told I got the "shit end of the stick", but that's what has happened.
I also don't understand how past relationships can be allowed to affect so much those in the present and future. Yes, what happened was bad, move on. It's over. Just because it happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen again [it also doesn't mean it won't happen again], you just need to have faith in people. Not everyone is out to get you. You CAN let people in, you NEED people in your life that will care for you, and you NEED at least one person in your life to take care of and help out. When I say take care of, I don't mean wipe their ass and give them a spongebath. I mean be there for them to cry on or talk to. ACT LIKE YOU CARE. Acknowledge their existence. You need to cherish the presence of others, be thankful for the relationships and friendships you have. You do actually have to put effort into making others happy. I know, CRAZY IDEA, thinking about somebody else and caring about their happiness, but sorry, that's what you have to do. Maybe that's what he was like before, maybe he did let people in, let them care for him, maybe he showed people he cared. I definitely didn't see it, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not going to wait around for him to change or get over her anymore. It's just not worth my time. He clearly didn't care about me, didn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him, and that's fine. I'm glad I know it now. It's just another experience I can grow from. And unlike him, I won't let this change me. I won't be bitter, and I certainly won't date someone just as a replacement or an object in the hopes of creating jealousy. I've been hurt multiple times; if there were a scale on which you could measure the crap both of us went through with relationships, I'd probably surpass him. Even though I've been hurt, I've never changed how I am. EVER. I will always put my whole heart into relationships, I will always put that person's happiness, if not before mine, at least on the same level as mine. I will always show them I care. I will always be there. I will always let them in. I'm like that with friendships and relationships. Yeah, it can end badly and I can be upset, but I at least know I gave it everything.
Yeah, I loved him. He was very special to me. But notice the past tense in those two sentences. His actions have made rekindling a friendship, in my opinion, hard to do. He thought that by giving me space, a friendship would be easier and less awkward. The truth is, it's more awkward now having to really build up from scratch and start over. I can jump right back into a friendship. That's what I'd much rather do. If a relationship didn't work out, fine, as long as we're friends, that's cool. I can move on, nothing will be awkward, it's all cool and fine and awesome and whatnot. But we never really talked about that. We never really talked about anything. I tried, and he would just become clearly flustered and angry. I'm not the only one to notice that. I really do want to be his friend, he was the person I could talk to most easily on the phone, and the first person I wanted to talk to when I was upset or anything. And it's still like that. I still want to call him when I'm upset, but not because I'm reverting back to the old ways when we had a relationship. Just because I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. I want to talk about music, or how crappy Spanish and Chem are. I want to hang out at lunch and be able to laugh and talk and just be chilllll. He made it awkward though. Avoiding things is not the answer. At all. Ever. I'm not the type of person to just avoid things, I confront them, so I can't fully understand what it's like to be an...avoider? I think at one time I was like that, though, and it never worked out well. I now confront things headon.

Well...I'm not done venting really. But I'm really tired. So I'll end this.
Sorry if you've read this and are now thinking "stupid teenage girl with her stupid teenage hormones and stupid teenage drama". Yes, I'm a stupid teenage girl. I write these blogs for my own benefit. I am not begging for these to be read. If you read it, it's your own fault you wasted x amount of time of your life, not mine.
Thank you and goodnight :)
I was told a lot of things tonight, and those things showed me that I'm better off.

He talked to me today. It was weird, but I was thankful? Correct adjective? mm sure. But that's all I'll be saying on that topic for today. :)


Second semester started today WOO ! I now have a study hall on Blue days and Photography 1 on White days ! I'm sooo excited for Photo, I've been wanting to take this class for soo long. And I love the teacher, Mr. Drew, dearly. He makes me laugh alll the time and we get along really well :) I had Art Foundations with him last year and that class was amazingg haha.

My love Brooke is leaving my Spanish class :( I'm so upset. Now I have to deal with akwardness that I DID NOT MAKE. If I had my way, everything would be NORMAL. But anyway, I digress... we did so poorly on the written part of our Spanish midterms that we now have to do a writing prompt every Friday. Grrrrreat.

No really major events to talk about today, except the aforementioned talkage and yeah..that's about it. Band was full of awesome sexual innuendos as usual, Chem was full of laughs with Maddee and lunch with Chelsea was wonderful :) I love my friends so muchh.

Hopefully I'll have more to talk about in the near future.

That is all for today my dears.
Goodbye :)

One word: MIDTERMS.

It's been approximately two weeks since my last post and I'm reallyy sorry about that. I've just been completely out of it [if you don't know why, read two posts back]. And to add on to THAT crap, midterms were this past week and I was just about ready to blow my brains outt by the time Friday finally rolled around. I honestly at one point had gotten no more than three hours of sleep in two days because I was spending so much time studying. I was a mess. And obviously I had no time to blog, but I do now so..YAY ! hah

So...exboyfriend still won't talk to me. Apparently, he thinks this is going to help our friendship in the long run?? Well, that's what my friend Kevin said Ryan told him...which I think is bullshit. I think he just doesn't care. At all. Never has, never will. The thing is, I care so much, and I still do even though he's hurting me so much. It's so messed up and he's handling this the complete wrong way. Guh..maybe he cares a little...because he apparently asked my friend Maddee if I was mad at him and stuff I guess? Well, OBVIOUSLY I'm not very pleased. I understand the breakup..kinda...but the not talking to me thing after he had said to me (NOT ME TO HIM BUT HIM TO ME) that he still really wanted to be friends and whatnot. Does that make sense? At all? If this is his way of dealing with the breakup then what the hell? Why does he get to deal with it in his way, and I just have to go along with it and not move on the way I normally would? I want to TALK about things, I want to know what happened, what went wrong, what I did wrong, all that stuff. I'm left with so many unanswered questions, and I hate being left to wonder.

Okay, I'm really, really, ridiculously sorry about the stupidity of my past blogs. Actually, all of them. I am a very venty, ranty person [if either of those are adjectives...] I don't expect people to actually read these and follow my blog, except for some of my very close friends who have, I don't know why, decided to put up with my stupid teenageness. Probably because they're also teenagers...but that's beside the point.

Anywho, moving on. This weekend was FAAABULOUSS !! Friday night, bonded with the family, whatever, not that important. Saturday night, I went to dear Zac's house with Diana, Josh, KFitz, Zoie, and Sarahh and we had a BLAST. Then KFitz slept over my house and this morning [sunday] we walked to Zac's house and had vegan coconut-chocolate chip pancakes and they were, surprisingly, really good ! And we had a happy day of happy awesomeness and I was happy ! Until...I went on Facebook/MySpace and I don't know...I swear to god I'm bipolar or SOMETHING because I can be the happiest person one minute and then the next I'm sitting in a corner and I won't talk to or look at anybody. I want to talk to my mom about it, because I really think I need to be medicated or something, but I think she'll just tell me I'm being foolish and stuff. Or she'll make me go to a shrink or something which is NOT what I want to do. ha I love how I go from pancakes to psychiatry...it's grrrrreat.

Next topic. LAURENNN ZONI IS MY LIFE ! I love her so much. She is my favorite freshman ! Well, my favorite freshman girl anyway. She's so fantastic, and I can talk to her about anything :D And we're writing a book together !!!

Two more people I've gotten close to this year that I love to pieces? Maddee and Chelsea ! I knew Maddee last year because of volleyball, but we really got close this year and I adore her, she's so wonderful and she's so funny and an all-around awesome person. And Chelsea....oh my god CHELSEA. I met her because of Ryan, and she has quickly become one of my FAVORITE people. We talk about the craziest stuff haha. Both of them are helping me so much and making me feel so much better. I love them both so so so so much, I don't know what I would do without them :) They have quickly become two of my best friends <3

So yeah..that's about it for now because my hands are starting to hurt from typing for the past 2093840934 hours :D I'm calling this one DONE SON. And yeah...I'll probably think of something later that I wanted to write about on here but oh well, I'll save that for the next one !

Bye loves !

apparently I'm incoherent?

My dear friend James [not the James I've previously mentioned, but my Frosh friend James with the curly locks] pointed out that I really have a typing issue. It's not huge, but there are times where I throw in words that are completely different from the words I meant to type. For instance, in the blog I JUST did, I said "awesome" instead of "assume". I'm just going to blame my stupidity on lack of sleep and the amount of hormones raging through my teenage body.
But I'm sorry to those of you who, upon reading my blog, may do things like tilt your head in confusion, or cry in frustration at my utter lack of skill, or do something else along those lines. I don't mean to cause you pain, I just don't take the time to edit these haha :)
So yeah, that was just a little disclaimer.

Stupidity officially disclaimed !

holy long time since my last blog batman !

Alright, sooo it's been about a month since I last posted a blog ^_^ oops.
But a shitload of SHITTT has happened. Uhmm I went to Japan over Christmas break, and really it wasn't THAT memorable I guess. I don't know, my memories are a little blocked by the completely dramatic turn everything took when I got back. Seriously, the worst things happen to me whenever I get back from a remotely "long"ish trip.
Yeah, I got dumped. I'd like to say it was a mutual decision, but I think in order for it to be mutual, I'd have to be accepting and supportive of it, which I'm definitely NOT at all. And because of this dumpage, I've lost really the only thing that was pushing me to better myself. I don't know, I've just lost my drive to make music. I don't even like sleeping anymore, and I freaking LOVEEEE sleeping normally, but now I just have dreams where everything's fine and I'm still happy..and then I wake up and I'm just depressed. Ha, I'm sorry this blog is so mehhhh and "emo" [if you will] but I just need to vent. And it's not like anybody really reads this anyway haha. I don't know..I'm just like..blank. But I'm trying REALLY hard to perk up and snap out of it, it's just really difficult when I'm still feeling like this is just a really bad nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything will be okay. I'm hoping that someday he'll be really ready for a relationship and maybe then he'll give me another chance...but I really doubt it. I'm not THAT lucky.
But I did learn that I really do have this crazy sixth sense about relationships. I've predicted every bad thing that's happened in my past two relationships/pre-relationships. For example, last week, Sunday everything's fine and awesome and I'm happy. Monday, crap starts. Monday night - Thursday morning, barely talk to Stinson, so I know obviously something's wrong, I'm not an idiot. I told my friend Kevin like Tuesday or Wednesday night that I had a feeling I'd be dumped by the end of the week and, oh hey, Friday rolls around and I'm dumped. Maybe it's just insecurity and not some strange gift, but either way, I'm not sure if I like it or not. I mean, it helps me prepare emotionally, but there's only so much preparation that can take place. You can't really brace yourself for the completely distressing and emotionally/mentally draining nature of a breakup. It just blows. Hard.
Another thing I learned is that, apparently, I'm really pretty when I cry?? ahaha that's what my love Nikki told me. Yeah...lotssss of people saw me cry last week. I feel really bad for them. I hate crying in front of people. I want to be the strong friend who everybody can come to and lean on. I hate being weak. I just want to help people. But I guess I do love a good vent session, where I can just talkk and let go. I freaking love my friends, I have some of the best friends EVER. I feel really bad for people that 1. don't have friends and 2. don't have MY friends. I really have the most loyal and loving friends imaginable, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. My sophomore year has just been horrible and draining, and without them...I don't know...I think without them, really bad things would have happened.
Okay, I'm about to end this one since it's getting ridiculously long and stupid and sappy and I'm starting to hate myself for writing it. But, Friday night, I went to a local show in Wells. It was okay, but I didn't get to see Sparks The Rescue, which was really the only reason I went. I did get to hang out backstage and be awkward though aha. I was just being social, but stupid Jenica was making fun of me :( ahah I was standing next to a guy who I awesome was a band manager and I dropped my camera practically on his foot and he's just like "oh that's no problem, I drop my phone all the time" and I was like "yeahh I can't keep a hold on anything" and it was totally funny yet really awkward at the same time. And he was about the size of a hobbit, so I kinda felt bad that I was like looking down at this guy who was probably at least 12 years older than me. I don't know...nevermind.
AHHH one more thing. My mommy and stepdaddy redid my room ! It's totally freaking awesome and I looooove it. They're letting me paint on my walls like write and stuff and they're letting me do all this coool crap. And I'm putting twinkle lights on my ceiling ^_^
Alright, that's it for now. I do have lots more to talk about, I just have 8237498 hours of homework left and it's 9 pm and I'd really like to get some sleep tonight.
Good night my lovesss [whoever actually takes the time to read this crap :)]